Last week I had an opportunity to watch a video entitled "The Fulcrum Effect" by Rajesh Setty. It turned out to be not just a relaxation from routine work, but also a virtual classroom where I learnt quite a few lessons.
Amongst other points that Rajesh makes in the video, one that I found very unique was "How to get help requests in the areas of your strength, & how to say 'no' to people who ask you for help in areas in which you are not strong". He elucidates that a lot of research has been done to find out as to what is the best way to say 'no' to such requests, and there are 5 steps in which 'no' can be said.
1. Acknowledge the request: Get the confirmation as to in which area you are being asked for help. Ensure that help is not being asked in the area of your strength.
Example: If your friend asks you to review the manuscript of the book he plans to publish, then confirm whether he wants you to do just the proof-reading, or more than that.
2. Refuse politely: Say "No" in plain and simple words: "Sorry, I can't do that."
3. Explain: Give explanation as to why you can't help the person. Be truthful.
Example: Tell your friend that you are not a writer, and hence not suitable for the job.
4. Provide options: Give the person another source from where he/she can get the help.
Example: Refer your friend to someone else you know who has a good reputation for his/her writing skills.
5. State your area of strength: Inform the requester about the area in which you welcome requests for help.
Example: Tell your friend that if he wanted help in making a presentation, you would be glad to help.
If you follow the above steps, you not only empower yourself to use your time more productively, but also benefit others.
(a) You don't waste your time doing something that you are not good at.
(b) You inform your friend about the areas of your strength. This way, he will come to you when he needs help in those areas. You will then work in those areas, and become even more stronger.
(c) Your friend finds the right source for the help he requires.
(d) The person who helps your friend becomes stronger in the area of his strength.
(e) Your friendship does not suffer even though you did not help your friend.
The video has many more such insights, and it is highly recommended for everybody. The DVD is available here.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Two essential ingredients to make a speech successful
I had gone to a meeting during the last weekend. The meeting was about a cultural program that was being planned to be put up in front of a large audience. There were various aspects of the program that were touched upon by different speakers during the meeting.
Speaker 1: He welcomed the audience, and introduced the agenda for the meeting. He also set the stage for the next speaker, introducing him to the audience, and initiating the subject on which he was to speak.
Speaker 2: He spoke about the objective of the cultural program, and what role each of us, in general, will be playing the program. The audience appreciated his speech, and the tempo was set for the allocation of tasks to the various members in the audience.
Speaker 3: The third speaker was not introduced well, and more so, his subject of speech was not mentioned by anybody. He started well, and spoke with fervour & enthusiasm, but most of what he said was already known to the audience. He used a Power-point presentation, and out of the 15 (approx) slides, only 3 had the information that was new to many in the audience. Once he was through these three slides, the audience lost interest. They started watching what the others were doing, and hardly anybody paid much attention to him.
Speaker 4:He did a great job. As the audience comprised of people from 2 different groups, he broke the ice between the groups by making amusing, but not insulting, comments about either group to keep the audience interested. Finally, he also allotted the tasks to various individuals in the audience and achieved the objective of the meeting.
As the meeting concluded, I picked up two points about public-speaking:
Important ingredients to make a speech successful, among others, includes:
(a) Knowing your audience.
(b) Repairing the damage done by previous speaker.
Speaker 3 ignored the first point, whereas Speaker 4 realised that he has to take the second point also into consideration.
As I was leaving the venue, I saw Speaker 4 being congratulated for his eloquent speech by many.
Speaker 1: He welcomed the audience, and introduced the agenda for the meeting. He also set the stage for the next speaker, introducing him to the audience, and initiating the subject on which he was to speak.
Speaker 2: He spoke about the objective of the cultural program, and what role each of us, in general, will be playing the program. The audience appreciated his speech, and the tempo was set for the allocation of tasks to the various members in the audience.
Speaker 3: The third speaker was not introduced well, and more so, his subject of speech was not mentioned by anybody. He started well, and spoke with fervour & enthusiasm, but most of what he said was already known to the audience. He used a Power-point presentation, and out of the 15 (approx) slides, only 3 had the information that was new to many in the audience. Once he was through these three slides, the audience lost interest. They started watching what the others were doing, and hardly anybody paid much attention to him.
Speaker 4:He did a great job. As the audience comprised of people from 2 different groups, he broke the ice between the groups by making amusing, but not insulting, comments about either group to keep the audience interested. Finally, he also allotted the tasks to various individuals in the audience and achieved the objective of the meeting.
As the meeting concluded, I picked up two points about public-speaking:
Important ingredients to make a speech successful, among others, includes:
(a) Knowing your audience.
(b) Repairing the damage done by previous speaker.
Speaker 3 ignored the first point, whereas Speaker 4 realised that he has to take the second point also into consideration.
As I was leaving the venue, I saw Speaker 4 being congratulated for his eloquent speech by many.
Monday, July 13, 2009
How do you feel after being through TOUGH times?
" So, how do you feel when you have to go through all this?", my friend asked. I was forced into a silence of a few seconds, which my friend took as a cue to continue speaking. " Must be tough, isn't it?"
It was definitely tough. The 'all this' term referred to the downturn which the company I work in has been facing due to the economic slow-down. There have been plenty of lay-offs, at the top level as well as the levels below. I was just fortunate enough not to be asked to leave. Nevertheless, it was heart-breaking to see all the talented people who we had hired many months ago leaving us in a matter of days. I received the mails that inform me about the employee who is leaving, as I had to disable their login accounts in an in-house application. These mails had piled up in my inbox. And each time I saw these mails, I felt an uncomfortable silence within me. I begin to wonder as to when a similar mail will be sent from HR with my name being the center of attraction. Of course, I won't be receiving it.
"Yes , it has been really unfortunate period for us." was my reply.
And then came the question which made me think in a new dimension. He asked, "Then tell me, how was it when you were hiring a lot of people? How you used to feel at that time?"
It was obvious. " I used to feel happy that the company is growing."
It dawned on me then. I have been through a phase when there were only 8 people in the organization. (Yes, I was the eighth employee in my organization.) And now we are more in number, after facing the downturn. We have more visibility in market, and more products to showcase than ever. We have more revenue than we had at that time. More than that, we have more EXPERIENCE than we had at that time.
I can compare the current situation to what we were before the economic slow-down, and feel sorry about it. Or I can compare it to what we were when I had joined here, and feel proud of what I had gained.
Finally, I said to my friend , "I feel much tougher at being through the tough times."
It was definitely tough. The 'all this' term referred to the downturn which the company I work in has been facing due to the economic slow-down. There have been plenty of lay-offs, at the top level as well as the levels below. I was just fortunate enough not to be asked to leave. Nevertheless, it was heart-breaking to see all the talented people who we had hired many months ago leaving us in a matter of days. I received the mails that inform me about the employee who is leaving, as I had to disable their login accounts in an in-house application. These mails had piled up in my inbox. And each time I saw these mails, I felt an uncomfortable silence within me. I begin to wonder as to when a similar mail will be sent from HR with my name being the center of attraction. Of course, I won't be receiving it.
"Yes , it has been really unfortunate period for us." was my reply.
And then came the question which made me think in a new dimension. He asked, "Then tell me, how was it when you were hiring a lot of people? How you used to feel at that time?"
It was obvious. " I used to feel happy that the company is growing."
It dawned on me then. I have been through a phase when there were only 8 people in the organization. (Yes, I was the eighth employee in my organization.) And now we are more in number, after facing the downturn. We have more visibility in market, and more products to showcase than ever. We have more revenue than we had at that time. More than that, we have more EXPERIENCE than we had at that time.
I can compare the current situation to what we were before the economic slow-down, and feel sorry about it. Or I can compare it to what we were when I had joined here, and feel proud of what I had gained.
Finally, I said to my friend , "I feel much tougher at being through the tough times."
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Quotes on life
My friend Vikas recently sent me few quotes, which I found to be very inspiring. These quotes make one accept the reality & help prepare for tough times that everyone inevitably goes through in life.
Though most of these quotes are very popular, it is worth reading them once again & assure ourselves that whatever we are doing, we are on our journey to achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Success:
Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
What is the secret of Success... ?
"Right Decisions"
How do you make Right Decisions... ?
"Through Experience"
How do you get Experience.. . ?
"While making wrong decisions in the past..! “
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strength:
If you know the strength and patience, welcome the company of trees.
- Hal Borland
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actions:
You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
-Stanley Ferrard
Don't make promise when you are in Joy . Don't reply when you are Sad. Don't take decisions when you are Angry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness:
The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of all. They simply appreciate what they find on their way.
Write your Sad times in Sand. Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw
Easy to receive. Difficult to give.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love:
It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love, than to lose the one you Love because of Ego.
-John Keats
Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day.
A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
- Charles Dickens
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Though most of these quotes are very popular, it is worth reading them once again & assure ourselves that whatever we are doing, we are on our journey to achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Success:
Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.
What is the secret of Success... ?
"Right Decisions"
How do you make Right Decisions... ?
"Through Experience"
How do you get Experience.. . ?
"While making wrong decisions in the past..! “
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strength:
If you know the strength and patience, welcome the company of trees.
- Hal Borland
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actions:
You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
-Stanley Ferrard
Don't make promise when you are in Joy . Don't reply when you are Sad. Don't take decisions when you are Angry.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness:
The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of all. They simply appreciate what they find on their way.
Write your Sad times in Sand. Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw
Easy to receive. Difficult to give.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Love:
It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love, than to lose the one you Love because of Ego.
-John Keats
Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day.
A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
- Charles Dickens
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Are you moving away from your friends?
Recently I had gone to Agra for some personal work. I had done my schooling there & had a lot of friends at that time. That was 13 years ago. So this time I wished to catch up with my old friends. After a little struggle, I was able to meet one of my friends, Satya.
Satya, as I remember, was a typical guy. He had lots of friends, including me. But I was not his best friend as we had lot of differences too between us. Nevertheless, it was good to see him again, & we chatted for a couple of hours catching up on each other.
Satya told me that he had lost many friends in the past years as many had moved out of Agra for further studies or some other reason. It was a very painful for him to see his friends go away. Finally he decided not have close friends any more. He had stopped calling his friends for casual chats, and refused to meet them during the weekends. He was feeling miserable at the moment, but thought he will get used to a life without close friends soon, and be his normal self once again. This he was doing to prevent himself from undergoing any more separation from his friends who may go away in the future.
I was really surprised to hear that Satya, who likes to be surrounded by friends, has decided to shun away from companionship. I could only admire his resolve to change his nature to such a great extent.
I contemplated on this during a long train journey back home couple of days later. I realised that there were certain flaws in his method to avoid pain.
1.Love thrives when people are in touch. By avoiding his friends, Satya himself is sending away his friends. This is causing pain to him already, and it is the same pain that he wishes to avoid.
2.He is sending away his friends who may stick with him for a long time, as they may not plan to leave place where they have spent so many years of their life.
3.He is causing pain to his friends by moving away from them without any apparent reason. His friends won’t know why he is avoiding them. And when they hear the truth, Satya may be looked upon as a person who is selfish & contacts others only when he requires help.
4.He will not be able to call anyone for help when he really needs it, because after some time his friends will start avoiding him too.
After doing the above analysis, I called up Satya to inform him what I had discovered and to ask him to stop this appproach. But he did not receive the call as he wished to avoid me.
Friday, April 10, 2009
The bread slices & jam sachet
Positive thinking can make one feel good or bad in same situation.
“Sir, your breakfast.”
Mohan put the newspaper down as the waiter put the breakfast tray in front of him. Next to him, Vinod was already opening his breakfast package.
“The food provided in Rajdhani Exp is really better than in other trains. Isn’t it?” asked Vinod.
“Yes” replied Mohan. He unwrapped the plain bread slices out of the covering. There was a bowl of Upma and one Vada with chutney. With the bread slices, a butter sachet, & a jam sachet were provided. He opened the jam sachet & applied the jam on a slice.
‘Why can’t they give enough jam so that it can be applied on both the slices? It is too less. Why such a small sachet’ thought Mohan sourly.
“Wow Mohan, did you see that?” exclaimed Vinod. “They have given such big slices of bread that one jam sachet is just not enough! We can consume one more jam sachet with this pair of bread slices.”
“........”
“Sir, your breakfast.”
Mohan put the newspaper down as the waiter put the breakfast tray in front of him. Next to him, Vinod was already opening his breakfast package.
“The food provided in Rajdhani Exp is really better than in other trains. Isn’t it?” asked Vinod.
“Yes” replied Mohan. He unwrapped the plain bread slices out of the covering. There was a bowl of Upma and one Vada with chutney. With the bread slices, a butter sachet, & a jam sachet were provided. He opened the jam sachet & applied the jam on a slice.
‘Why can’t they give enough jam so that it can be applied on both the slices? It is too less. Why such a small sachet’ thought Mohan sourly.
“Wow Mohan, did you see that?” exclaimed Vinod. “They have given such big slices of bread that one jam sachet is just not enough! We can consume one more jam sachet with this pair of bread slices.”
“........”
Monday, March 30, 2009
Madhav's Folly
An incident from a professional's life who was bored while sitting for the same presentation over & over again...
Madhav set the over-head projector on the table and checked the projection on the screen. It was fine. He then opened the powerpoint presentation and ran the entire slide-show once. Once he was satisfied, he sat on the corner chair, waiting for his senior Kishore to arrive & begin the presentation to the prospective clients.
Madhav had done very well in the last few months on his job. His manager had given him a good review of his work, and he did get a reasonable salary-hike. But the promotion that he wanted never came. He still wondered as to how long he will have to wait to get good designation under his name.
Reminiscence of the past were broken by the sound of the door opening. Madhav got up to greet Kishore, but was surprised to see the his manager walk in.
'Good morning sir. How are you doing? Are you too going to attend this sales presentation?'
'No Madhav.' his manager said. ' Kishore called me up just now. He is stuck in a heavy traffic jam due a political rally, and won't be here in time. Can you make the presentation? I will send the audience in.'
'What?' Madhav was aghast. 'I am not ready sir. I have not prepared for it.'
'Hey, come on Madhav. You have attended this presentation so many times. You don't need to prepare. Am I wrong?'
It was then Madhav realized his folly. He had sat through the presentation innumerable times. But he never listened to it. He knew all the jokes cracked by Kishore but he did not know in what context those jokes were told. He knew the sequence of all the slides. But he did not know what each slide exactly conveyed. For him, it was same old story told over & over again. But he never bothered to listen to that story. While Kishore was gave the presentation, he would browse the Internet on his laptop for the latest movie he wanted to watch, or the latest score of international cricket match involving India
And now, when there was a chance to prove to his manager that he was as good as Kishore in giving presentations, he was going to miss out. If only he would have been attentive earlier & given this presentation today, life was going to be different.
Madhav sat down on the chair with a heavy heart. Outside he could hear his manager speaking on the phone to audience apologizing for the postponement of the meeting.
Madhav set the over-head projector on the table and checked the projection on the screen. It was fine. He then opened the powerpoint presentation and ran the entire slide-show once. Once he was satisfied, he sat on the corner chair, waiting for his senior Kishore to arrive & begin the presentation to the prospective clients.
Madhav had done very well in the last few months on his job. His manager had given him a good review of his work, and he did get a reasonable salary-hike. But the promotion that he wanted never came. He still wondered as to how long he will have to wait to get good designation under his name.
Reminiscence of the past were broken by the sound of the door opening. Madhav got up to greet Kishore, but was surprised to see the his manager walk in.
'Good morning sir. How are you doing? Are you too going to attend this sales presentation?'
'No Madhav.' his manager said. ' Kishore called me up just now. He is stuck in a heavy traffic jam due a political rally, and won't be here in time. Can you make the presentation? I will send the audience in.'
'What?' Madhav was aghast. 'I am not ready sir. I have not prepared for it.'
'Hey, come on Madhav. You have attended this presentation so many times. You don't need to prepare. Am I wrong?'
It was then Madhav realized his folly. He had sat through the presentation innumerable times. But he never listened to it. He knew all the jokes cracked by Kishore but he did not know in what context those jokes were told. He knew the sequence of all the slides. But he did not know what each slide exactly conveyed. For him, it was same old story told over & over again. But he never bothered to listen to that story. While Kishore was gave the presentation, he would browse the Internet on his laptop for the latest movie he wanted to watch, or the latest score of international cricket match involving India
And now, when there was a chance to prove to his manager that he was as good as Kishore in giving presentations, he was going to miss out. If only he would have been attentive earlier & given this presentation today, life was going to be different.
Madhav sat down on the chair with a heavy heart. Outside he could hear his manager speaking on the phone to audience apologizing for the postponement of the meeting.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Why we shout when we are angry?
I received the following gem from my sister Meenu. This is a great reading.
A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Another answer came, ' By shouting we let out our frustration.'
But the saint was not satisfied. Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
The saint continued, 'What happens when two people are in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small... 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.
A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Another answer came, ' By shouting we let out our frustration.'
But the saint was not satisfied. Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
The saint continued, 'What happens when two people are in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small... 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.
Monday, March 09, 2009
'Am I egoistic?'
It was written all across his face that he was very happy. Vinod emptied the glass of water and then asked him, “I can tell by looking at your face that something has happened & now you are at truce with Sudha. Am I right?”
Ganesh sighed. “Yes. You are too good a psychologist. It was a bit of problem which we resolved finally. The last week’s fight was very bad. We were sleeping in separate rooms. And we were not on talking terms too. She prepared breakfast & lunch for me in the morning and then entered the bathroom, and won’t come out till I leave for office. When I come in the evening, food will be on the table, she will be sleeping in her room. But finally we started to miss each other. Yesterday I bought her favourite ice-cream, went to her room. She was pretending to sleep. But I forcefully woke her up, and gave the ice-cream. And rest is history. We apologised to each other and the same good old days are back now.”
“Good to hear that. I did not like your sullen & unshaven face last week” laughed Vinod.
“But I don’t understand one thing Vinod” Ganesh said. “I love Sudha more than my life. We have been married for many months now. We do have our small misunderstandings. But the day this misunderstanding came up, I started hating her. After our fight, she went to the living room to watch TV. She was watching her favourite comedy serial, and was laughing at those silly jokes made by the actors. But I was feeling very jealous inside myself. Seeing her laugh was making my blood boil. I wished that power goes off, or our TV goes out of order and she is not able to watch the serial. I wanted her to keep crying till she comes back to me. Similarly, when she was talking to the neighbour in the evening, she was enjoying her time. I just wanted to bash both their faces at that time. But after we made up last night, I wonder how could I have such ghastly thoughts about her? After all, I love her.”
Vinod continued to sip his juice as he smiled at Ganesh. “You mean you wished ill for Sudha when both of you were fighting?”
“Yes. Very much. And I am ashamed of it. Do you think I love her?”
“Tell me one thing” Vinod asked. “Whose was guilty of the argument? Was it your mistake or hers?”
“How does it matter Vinod? We apologised to each other & we are happy now. Everything has been forgiven.”
“Who apologised first? You or her?”
“It was me, “Ganesh said. “I took the ice-cream to her and said that I was sorry. She immediately responded by saying sorry.”
“You said sorry first even though it was not necessarily your mistake. Am I right?”
“Yes. May be I was wrong. May be not. But both of us apologised to each other.”
“Then you love her. No doubt about it. Love requires swallowing ones ego. You did that, though it was after few days. You love her. And she said sorry immediately after you apologised. So she loves you too.”
“Then why did I think of hurting her?”
“Ego.”
“Ego?”
“Yes ego. After you fought, it was your ego which demanded that Sudha cannot be happy without you. It wanted to hurt her. It always wants you to feel important. It wants to prove that you are such an important person in her life that she cannot remain happy even for a moment without you. It wanted to cut-off all other sources of her happiness, so that she depends only upon you for her happiness.”
“So you mean I am egoistic?”
“We all are, to some degree.”
“But just now you told I swallowed my ego? And proved that I really love her..!”
“Yes. You were egoistic when you thought of hurting her. Ego blinds us more than love. That’s why, even though you love Sudha, you wanted TV or the neighbour to go away. But later, love overcame ego. You decided to apologise. You took the first step. Love triumphed over ego.”
“I see...My God! I never thought that way” Ganesh said.
“You will get it. Think about it. When we love somebody we always say, ‘your happiness is my happiness’. Don’t we? But what happens when we fight or argue? Isn’t other’s happiness not our happiness at that point too? It is.”
“Then what happens?”
“Always remember, if 2 people, who say they love each other are having a fight, watch for the one who starts shouting first. When he starts shouting, his ego has overcome his love for the other person. The other person will not shout till his ego is hurt by the shouting from the first one.
“So you mean to say I need to overcome my ego?”
“You already did once. Next time, let it not take few days, but few hours. And going forward let it be few minutes.”
“You are right. Then I will not have to suffer so much.”
“I don’t know, who among you shouted first, and whose mistake was it overall. But I know, Sudha is lucky to have you as life-partner. You will ensure that the relationship lasts long.”
“Thanks Vinod” Ganesh chuckled.
“Still I wonder Ganesh. Why did not she approach you first to apologise?”
“...........”
(Based on a true incident.)
Ganesh sighed. “Yes. You are too good a psychologist. It was a bit of problem which we resolved finally. The last week’s fight was very bad. We were sleeping in separate rooms. And we were not on talking terms too. She prepared breakfast & lunch for me in the morning and then entered the bathroom, and won’t come out till I leave for office. When I come in the evening, food will be on the table, she will be sleeping in her room. But finally we started to miss each other. Yesterday I bought her favourite ice-cream, went to her room. She was pretending to sleep. But I forcefully woke her up, and gave the ice-cream. And rest is history. We apologised to each other and the same good old days are back now.”
“Good to hear that. I did not like your sullen & unshaven face last week” laughed Vinod.
“But I don’t understand one thing Vinod” Ganesh said. “I love Sudha more than my life. We have been married for many months now. We do have our small misunderstandings. But the day this misunderstanding came up, I started hating her. After our fight, she went to the living room to watch TV. She was watching her favourite comedy serial, and was laughing at those silly jokes made by the actors. But I was feeling very jealous inside myself. Seeing her laugh was making my blood boil. I wished that power goes off, or our TV goes out of order and she is not able to watch the serial. I wanted her to keep crying till she comes back to me. Similarly, when she was talking to the neighbour in the evening, she was enjoying her time. I just wanted to bash both their faces at that time. But after we made up last night, I wonder how could I have such ghastly thoughts about her? After all, I love her.”
Vinod continued to sip his juice as he smiled at Ganesh. “You mean you wished ill for Sudha when both of you were fighting?”
“Yes. Very much. And I am ashamed of it. Do you think I love her?”
“Tell me one thing” Vinod asked. “Whose was guilty of the argument? Was it your mistake or hers?”
“How does it matter Vinod? We apologised to each other & we are happy now. Everything has been forgiven.”
“Who apologised first? You or her?”
“It was me, “Ganesh said. “I took the ice-cream to her and said that I was sorry. She immediately responded by saying sorry.”
“You said sorry first even though it was not necessarily your mistake. Am I right?”
“Yes. May be I was wrong. May be not. But both of us apologised to each other.”
“Then you love her. No doubt about it. Love requires swallowing ones ego. You did that, though it was after few days. You love her. And she said sorry immediately after you apologised. So she loves you too.”
“Then why did I think of hurting her?”
“Ego.”
“Ego?”
“Yes ego. After you fought, it was your ego which demanded that Sudha cannot be happy without you. It wanted to hurt her. It always wants you to feel important. It wants to prove that you are such an important person in her life that she cannot remain happy even for a moment without you. It wanted to cut-off all other sources of her happiness, so that she depends only upon you for her happiness.”
“So you mean I am egoistic?”
“We all are, to some degree.”
“But just now you told I swallowed my ego? And proved that I really love her..!”
“Yes. You were egoistic when you thought of hurting her. Ego blinds us more than love. That’s why, even though you love Sudha, you wanted TV or the neighbour to go away. But later, love overcame ego. You decided to apologise. You took the first step. Love triumphed over ego.”
“I see...My God! I never thought that way” Ganesh said.
“You will get it. Think about it. When we love somebody we always say, ‘your happiness is my happiness’. Don’t we? But what happens when we fight or argue? Isn’t other’s happiness not our happiness at that point too? It is.”
“Then what happens?”
“Always remember, if 2 people, who say they love each other are having a fight, watch for the one who starts shouting first. When he starts shouting, his ego has overcome his love for the other person. The other person will not shout till his ego is hurt by the shouting from the first one.
“So you mean to say I need to overcome my ego?”
“You already did once. Next time, let it not take few days, but few hours. And going forward let it be few minutes.”
“You are right. Then I will not have to suffer so much.”
“I don’t know, who among you shouted first, and whose mistake was it overall. But I know, Sudha is lucky to have you as life-partner. You will ensure that the relationship lasts long.”
“Thanks Vinod” Ganesh chuckled.
“Still I wonder Ganesh. Why did not she approach you first to apologise?”
“...........”
(Based on a true incident.)
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