How do you feel after being through TOUGH times?

" So, how do you feel when you have to go through all this?", my friend asked. I was forced into a silence of a few seconds, which my friend took as a cue to continue speaking. " Must be tough, isn't it?"

It was definitely tough. The 'all this' term referred to the downturn which the company I work in has been facing due to the economic slow-down. There have been plenty of lay-offs, at the top level as well as the levels below. I was just fortunate enough not to be asked to leave. Nevertheless, it was heart-breaking to see all the talented people who we had hired many months ago leaving us in a matter of days. I received the mails that inform me about the employee who is leaving, as I had to disable their login accounts in an in-house application. These mails had piled up in my inbox. And each time I saw these mails, I felt an uncomfortable silence within me. I begin to wonder as to when a similar mail will be sent from HR with my name being the center of attraction. Of course, I won't be receiving it.

"Yes , it has been really unfortunate period for us." was my reply.

And then came the question which made me think in a new dimension. He asked, "Then tell me, how was it when you were hiring a lot of people? How you used to feel at that time?"

It was obvious. " I used to feel happy that the company is growing."

It dawned on me then. I have been through a phase when there were only 8 people in the organization. (Yes, I was the eighth employee in my organization.) And now we are more in number, after facing the downturn. We have more visibility in market, and more products to showcase than ever. We have more revenue than we had at that time. More than that, we have more EXPERIENCE than we had at that time.

I can compare the current situation to what we were before the economic slow-down, and feel sorry about it. Or I can compare it to what we were when I had joined here, and feel proud of what I had gained.

Finally, I said to my friend , "I feel much tougher at being through the tough times."

Quotes on life

My friend Vikas recently sent me few quotes, which I found to be very inspiring. These quotes make one accept the reality & help prepare for tough times that everyone inevitably goes through in life.


Though most of these quotes are very popular, it is worth reading them once again & assure ourselves that whatever we are doing, we are on our journey to achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves.

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Success:

Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.

What is the secret of Success... ?
"Right Decisions"
How do you make Right Decisions... ?
"Through Experience"
How do you get Experience.. . ?
"While making wrong decisions in the past..! “
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Strength:

If you know the strength and patience, welcome the company of trees.
- Hal Borland

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Actions:

You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
-Stanley Ferrard

Don't make promise when you are in Joy . Don't reply when you are Sad. Don't take decisions when you are Angry.

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Happiness:

The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of all. They simply appreciate what they find on their way.

Write your Sad times in Sand. Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw

Easy to receive. Difficult to give.

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Love:

It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love, than to lose the one you Love because of Ego.
-John Keats

Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day.

A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
- Charles Dickens

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Why we shout when we are angry?

I received the following gem from my sister Meenu. This is a great reading.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Another answer came, ' By shouting we let out our frustration.'

But the saint was not satisfied. Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

The saint continued, 'What happens when two people are in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small... 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

Four destructive phrases that should be avoided in discussions

After I wasted a weekend, as I mentioned in my last post, I did plan my next weekend in a much better manner. And it went well. What did not go well was the week after the weekend. I had a very big mis-understanding with one of my closest friends. There were lot of arguments & counter-arguments, and feelings were hurt. Fortunately, the fires have died down now & things are starting to become normal again.

When the mis-understanding first came up, I sat with my friend to discuss the issue. Many times these discussions became arguments. You may ask what is the difference in discussion & arguments in this case. What I saw was that we started the discussion with the purpose of resolving the issue. But during the discussion the attitude of the participants changed, & towards the end we were speaking to prove our point, to prove that one was right and other was wrong, and not to resolve the issue. As this happened again & again, I began to look for those word & phrases that changed a constructive discussion into a destructive argument. I came up with the following list:

1. Its not my problem (or 'it is your problem'): The best discussion buster. You can be assured that the moment one person uses this phrase, he indicates that he no longer feels he needs to do anything to resolve the issue. In fact, he feels that he does not have to do anything with the issue, and should not be dragged in the discussion to resolve the problem. The other person(s) is solely responsible to do the fire-fighting.

I have worked few good managers, and some not-so-good-managers in my workplace. The good managers never use this phrase during any discussion even when the issue is actually 'not their problem'. The not-so-good-managers tend to use this more often and put the blame on somebody else.

2. I am like that only: May not be a grammatically correct phrase, but I have heard it being used many times. When somebody says this, he means that he is not going to change his behaviour/actions to resolve the issue, or prevent it from cropping up later on. He does not want to change his nature. The other person has to work within this extra constraint and still resolve the problem. I have been defeated in many arguments by this phrase alone. I have a simple philosophy: Accept people as they are, and do not try to transform them. Instead, change yourself. And when somebody says this phrase to me, I cannot argue back as it goes against my policy!

3. What's the use?: This phrase may not be heard as often as the other two mentioned above, but is equally effective in creating bitterness between people. I told my friend about all the efforts I was making to bring our relationship back to normal, and he asked me, 'what's the use'? :-( I was expecting an appreciation for the efforts I was making, and such a question added insult to injury.

In addition to the above three, there is one more phrase that is used very commonly by many of us. This did not come up during the arguments with my friend, but I have observed its negativity very often.

4. I told you so!: Very commonly used, and very effective if you want to put somebody down. We all use it when at the 'right' time, when we know we were right all the way & the other person never listened to us, continued in his own way & finally tasted failure. I ask myself, do I really need to speak it out? Why don't I comfort him after his failure? All the effort he had put in has not borne the results he was looking for, and is disappointed. And, after his failure, he anyway realizes that I was right, and I had told him so.

There are many more phrases that can be destructive. If you know, please put them in the comments below.

Be Thankful...

It's easy to be thankful for the good things in life. But a life of rich fulfillment comes to those, who are also thankful for their setbacks. The following lines make us aware of those things that are valuable to us, but we don't realize their importance.

Thanks to my friend Prashant C P for sending the same :-)

Be thankful, that you don't have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful, when you don't know something.
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful, for the difficult times.
It is during those times that you grow.

Be thankful, for your limitations.
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful, for each new challenge.
For that will build your strength and character.

Be thankful, for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful, when you're tired and weary.
Because it means you've made an effort.

Learn from others' mistake

This is the story of 2 friends; Ginny & Cathy. Both worked in the same firm, and liked each other a lot. Ginny had migrated from her home-village, away from her parents, and earned a living by working for this firm. Cathy was the only daughter of a wealthy businessman of the town. There was no need for her to work, as her father earned enough for the family. But working for the firm gave her confidence in self, and she enjoyed working with Ginny. As Ginny was poor, sometimes Cathy used to give her a drop in the evening to his lodging on her bike. The ride used to take 1 hour, and gave ample opportunities to both of them to discuss their joys and sorrows with each other.

Ginny considered their friendship as sacred. She knew that she had got a good friend, whom she should not trouble at any cost. Cathy too shared this view.

Soon there was news that the firm was going to hire some new workers, and the current workers can bring in their friends, and relatives who may be hired. Cathy knew one girl, Tina, who lived near-by her house and was looking out to work somewhere. Cathy spoke to her when she got to her home, and then next day Tina too came to the firm to apply for the job. Fortunately, she was hired on the same day, and told to come to work from next day onwards.

Tina joined the firm next day, and Cathy introduced her to Ginny. Ginny was impressed by Tina's personality and was happy that such a good person has joined the firm. As it was her first day, she helped Tina in whatever way she could, to get her familiar with the work. In the evening, Ginny asked Cathy to drop Tina to her house, as both of them stayed near-by to each other. Ginny had no problem in going by the local bus. She had been used to it for along time.

Soon Tina became an integral part of the firm. Everybody liked her serene nature, and she made many friends in short time. Still she did not forget the help given to her by Cathy and Ginny, and used to spend time regularly with them.

After some time, Ginny began to notice a change in Cathy's behavior. She started leaving early in the evening, and won't even ask Ginny as to what time will she leave, and could she give a drop to him. Ginny also noticed that Tina accompanies Cathy more often to her home. When Ginny asked Cathy about this behavior of hers, Cathy smiled and said “It’s between us. We both are good friends, and there are some things that we cannot share with anybody.” Ginny was surprised with this response, but did not respond. After all, he thought, Cathy is happy with her new friend, and that is what Ginny wanted.

But soon Ginny found out that she did not have time to speak to Cathy. During the day, both were busy with their work, and the evening ride, that was the time when they could speak to each other, was no more existent. Ginny started feeling depressed about it, and felt that there was no point in speaking to Cathy anymore. When Cathy will greet her in the morning, she would not reply to her properly, pretending to be extremely busy. Then in the evening too, when Cathy will come to say good-bye to her before leaving to her home, Ginny made it a habit to go to some-body else’ workplace, so that Cathy won’t find her.

The one day suddenly Cathy came to Ginny during working hours. Ginny could not believe that Cathy has come to meet her, and not just to say good-morning or good-bye. Cathy looked very upset. Ginny asked her, “What happened to you? You look terribly upset.”

Cathy said, “You know Ginny. Yesterday I had to leave early. Some guests were expected at home, and I had to go and help my mother prepare dinner for them. So I could not wait for Tina to finish her work, and drop her. Now she is so angry with me that she has not spoken to me since morning. She even refuses to look at me. Is that how friends are? Till yesterday, she used to tell everybody that I am her best friend at the firm. Does her speaking to me depends upon whether I drop her or not?”

Ginny knew her mistake immediately. She too had fallen in the same trap in which Tina has fallen. She too had stopped interacting with Cathy since she had stopped dropping her to home in the evening. The only difference between Ginny and Tina was that Tina had expressed how she felt, but Ginny had not.

Ginny now realized that he could still learn from Tina’s mistake. She will prove herself better than Tina. She will speak to Cathy, irrespective of whether she drops her home or not. She had finally learned a lesson from somebody else’ mistake.

The above narration is a real incident, to which I have been a witness. I hope Ginny, Cathy & Tina are listening...

Do we lose our identity when we change ourselves?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine. (Let us call him Ram.) It was just a casual conversation. We were asking each other as to what is going on in other’s life. He mentioned that he had been through a rift with one of his friend, and had sorted it out earlier in the day by talking to her.

It popped out during their conversation that Ram's friend wanted him to change some of his ways of doing things. But Ram was reluctant to change. The reason, he cited, was very simple. According to him, if he changes himself, he will lose his identity, which he did not want to. If he changes himself for sake of just one person, he will not remain Ram. He will not be the same Ram whom people know. For all his friends, Ram stands for something; a particular type of behaviour, a particular way of speaking, walking, eating habits, and other dimensions that make up his personality. If he starts changing these traits, just because one person out of billions on this earth asked him to do so, is it really worth it?

The conversation ended at that and I was left thinking about what Ram had said. At times, others ask us to change our particular personality trait. At other times, we admire people around us, and we wish to become like them. I have personally experienced this situation. I used to admire one senior student in my college days (I still admire him today). He is very popular among people around him. He has a very good sense of humour, is very helpful, and a good singer too. He also meets everybody with enthusiasm, and has never been known to become angry. I wanted to inculcate the same personality traits in me and become as popular as him. I knew I cannot become a good singer overnight. But I thought I can copy his other traits and embed them into my personality. I did that & failed miserably. The reason being the difference between my nature and his nature. I realized that my way of approaching people is slightly different from the way he approaches others.

When Ram spoke to me, I was reminded of this failure of mine. Most of me agreed that he Ram has got it right, but somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew that I had missed something vital. I discussed this point with a colleague of mine. I know her as an open-minded person, & whom I admire for simplicity & clarity of thoughts. Thanks to her, I learned the following lessons:

• Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, we change; our personality changes regularly. We are not the same person what we were 6 months ago.
• If somebody has asked us to change a particular habit of ours, which means that he wants us to become a better person, and thus he cares for us. We should be thankful to that person to bring it to our notice.
• We should not hesitate to try. If we change that particular habit of ours, and other people around us give positive feedback about the change, the change is worth making. On the other hand, if the people around us say that they did not like the new change in us, we can revert back to what we were earlier (which will be very easy).
• When our friend sees that we changed after he has asked us to, he realizes that we value his words. In turn, he too starts giving value to our words.
• People around us see us as a more flexible and open-minded individual.

In conclusion, I would say, when we change our personality after somebody’s feedback, it is not that we become somebody else. But, our personality becomes better. Others may start liking us and then they may like to become like us. Overall, we gain more friends, and become more popular.

Ram….are you listening?

Attend to others' need first...

This happened a couple of weeks back. I went to a shop to buy a loaf of bread. There were quite a few customers already and I could make out that I will have to wait at least 5-6 minutes before my turn comes.

'Why not take out money in the mean-time...' was the thought that crossed my mind. I acted upon it and was ready with the exact change in my hand in a few seconds. As I lazily stood at the counter, waiting for my turn to come, I placed my hand holding the money on the front-desk. The shop-keeper, who had gone inside to fetch some items for other customers, came back to the counter with his hands full. He kept all the items on the front-desk. Next he took the money from my hand as he asked what I wanted. I told, and got the bread-loaf immediately.

As I walked away, I heard a customer grumbling that he had arrived before me but he has not been served yet. The shopkeeper started attending to that person next.

Lesson learnt: Attend to others' need first, and your needs will be addressed by them without asking.

Normally, we first select the item to purchase, and then we pay for it. But if we show the money first, and then place the order, the delivery is faster.

Audit teaches me a lesson

Recently we had a Quality Audit conducted in our organization in order to become an ISO certified company. This audit was conducted by external auditors. Almost everyone in the organization was aware of the dates well in advance. But when the audit date arrived, there was a sense of panic on every face. Everybody was busy in documents, ensuring that they pass the audit.

The situation reminded me of a story that I had read long back. There was a king who ruled over a very small kingdom. In order to spread the kingdom, he began to spend on arms & men, and soon he had a very powerful army. Once he was confident enough, he started attacking the neighboring kingdoms, and added them to his rule. His kingdom spread far beyond he had thought, and thus was very happy. After few years of conquests, his kingdom touched the sea on all sides, and thus he became the lord of all the kingdoms in the land. His army had no more battle to fight. So the soldiers had lots of free time to heal their wounds & spend time with their family.

Few years later, a neighboring king attacked this king to take the revenge. The king called upon his army. When the soldiers were called upon for another war, they readily accepted the challenge. They put on their armour, went in the battle-field. But the moment their eyes fell upon the enemy, their courage left them. They fled from the battle-field, and lost the battle. The enemy took his share of land from the king. Seeing this, the other neighboring kings too attacked & took away some more land. At the end there was same land left with the king that was before he started his campaign.

Why did the king lost to the same enemies whom he had conquered earlier? The reason is the army was not ready. The soldiers relaxed after all the battles were won & did not practice their skills anymore. This their skills were rusted, their body forgot the art of fighting, and their mind had no courage to face the enemy.

Why I correlate this story to the audit in the organization is because we also undergo the same cycle in our office. We have an internal audit schedule in our organization. That is similar to the continuous war . These audits ensure that we update our documents at regular intervals & the entire process is maintained. If the internal audit is delayed by even a few days, people start relaxing. And when the external audit takes place, people panic as they have forgotten which document is where, and which document has to be updated. Finally everybody wastes precious time going through all the documents, and that makes the entire day full of stress & strain for everybody.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned from this. But the one I would like to mention is that we should do right thing at the right time. If we make this a habit and the amount of time saved by this habit is phenomenal.

We do not need to show-off

Have you ever come across a person who likes to show off his/her status?
Yes.
Did you like him or her?
No.
Would you like to become like her or him?
No.

Above is an imaginary conversation that can take place between you & me. But, if I ask you whether you are a person who likes to show-off, what will be your answer? If you like your friends to know your status, or let us say, what your standard of living is, what do you do? Throw up a lavish party?

One may ask as to what is wrong in doing that. They are our friends after all, and they ought to know how we live. Mitch Albom answers this question:

If you are trying to show-off for people at the top, they will look down at you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show – off for the people at the bottom, they will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.

Quotes worth citing #5

Continuing with the quotes that I got from the book Tuesdays With Morrie , this quote deals with getting the meaning in life. It goes as follows:

The way to get meaning in your life is to devote yourself to loving others, to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

The above statement is pretty simple. We need to love others, to the people around others. Only the last part is catchy:...creating something that gives you purpose and meaning.

What does that mean? Though I am no expert in philosophy, I feel that here is the space for working towards the personal goal. All of us do have a goal in our life that we wish to achieve. We have our own definition of success. And one day we want to be the embodiment of success that we have defined. According to Albom, that is also a part of finding fulfillment in our life.

There is one last point to note. Our self-defined success comes after loving the people, and the community around us.