The meeting, & the wet cloths

It had rained heavily. Neha knew that she had made a mistake by walking to her office in the rain. The small umbrella was not enough to protect her from this downpour. Many times, it had almost blew out of her hand.

After reaching office, she glanced at her watch to find out that she was just in time for the important meeting. She came to her seat, and caught her friend's eye, who saw her dripping clothes.

"You will fall ill, Neha! And how can you sit for the meeting with those wet cloths? Come, I will take you to your home in my car. You can change your cloths there. Your house is so near-by, it will hardly take fifteen minutes."

"No, its OK. I can manage. I have a hand-towel in my bag. I will go to the wash-room and dry myself. We will see after the meeting", she replied.

She felt slightly better after drying herself and went to meet her manager who told her that the client for the meeting will be arriving in few minutes. He will send for her when they arrive. She came back to her seat, only to find that her friend is standing there with her hands on her hips & glaring eyes.

"You are a crazy girl! Don't sit with these wet cloths. Come let's go."

She persuaded her friend to wait till the meeting is over, as it would last just ten-fifteen minutes. She did not want to miss it.

Half-an-hour passed, and there was no news from her manager. Her friend was standing behind her once again. "Are you coming with me, or shall I ask your manager for 15 minutes leave?"

Neha was now forced to go to her manager. Even as she knocked at his door, she saw the clients coming in. They themselves were slightly wet due to the rain. The meeting started, and was over within half-an-hour. She came back to her seat. She wanted to capture the minutes-of meeting before her friend drags her out of her seat. Once done, she e-mailed the same to her manager, and other attendees. She then waited for her friend. She knew that if she did not change her cloths soon, she may fall ill. She was thankful for having such a good friend who cared so much for her.

Many minutes passed and her friend did not come to call her again. She stared at the light bulb above her. 'Great person. All the time she ate my head to change my cloths, & when I am ready, she does not come.'

' Why do you forget that when she cared for you, you gave priority to your work And now when she is giving priority to her work, you are cribbing !', the lamp said to her.

How to get help requests in the areas of your strength

Last week I had an opportunity to watch a video entitled "The Fulcrum Effect" by Rajesh Setty. It turned out to be not just a relaxation from routine work, but also a virtual classroom where I learnt quite a few lessons.

Amongst other points that Rajesh makes in the video, one that I found very unique was "How to get help requests in the areas of your strength, & how to say 'no' to people who ask you for help in areas in which you are not strong". He elucidates that a lot of research has been done to find out as to what is the best way to say 'no' to such requests, and there are 5 steps in which 'no' can be said.


1. Acknowledge the request: Get the confirmation as to in which area you are being asked for help. Ensure that help is not being asked in the area of your strength.

Example: If your friend asks you to review the manuscript of the book he plans to publish, then confirm whether he wants you to do just the proof-reading, or more than that.

2. Refuse politely: Say "No" in plain and simple words: "Sorry, I can't do that."

3. Explain: Give explanation as to why you can't help the person. Be truthful.

Example: Tell your friend that you are not a writer, and hence not suitable for the job.

4. Provide options: Give the person another source from where he/she can get the help.

Example: Refer your friend to someone else you know who has a good reputation for his/her writing skills.

5. State your area of strength: Inform the requester about the area in which you welcome requests for help.

Example: Tell your friend that if he wanted help in making a presentation, you would be glad to help.

If you follow the above steps, you not only empower yourself to use your time more productively, but also benefit others.

(a) You don't waste your time doing something that you are not good at.
(b) You inform your friend about the areas of your strength. This way, he will come to you when he needs help in those areas. You will then work in those areas, and become even more stronger.
(c) Your friend finds the right source for the help he requires.
(d) The person who helps your friend becomes stronger in the area of his strength.
(e) Your friendship does not suffer even though you did not help your friend.

The video has many more such insights, and it is highly recommended for everybody. The DVD is available here.

Are you moving away from your friends?

Recently I had gone to Agra for some personal work. I had done my  schooling there & had a lot of friends at that time. That was 13 years ago. So this time I wished to catch up with my old friends. After a little struggle, I was able to meet one of my friends, Satya. 

Satya, as I remember, was a typical guy. He had lots of friends, including me. But I was not his best friend as we had lot of differences too between us. Nevertheless, it was good to see him again, & we chatted for a couple of hours catching up on each other.

Satya told me that he had lost many friends in the past years as many had moved out of Agra for further studies or some other reason. It was a very painful for him to see his friends go away. Finally he decided not have close friends any more. He had stopped calling his friends for casual chats, and refused to meet them during the weekends. He was feeling miserable at the moment, but thought he will get used to a life without close friends soon, and be his normal self once again. This he was doing to prevent himself from undergoing any more separation from his friends who may go away in the future.

I was really surprised to hear that Satya, who likes to be surrounded by friends, has decided to shun away from companionship. I could only admire his resolve to change his nature to such a great extent.

I contemplated on this during a long train journey back home couple of days later. I realised that there were certain flaws in his method to avoid pain.

1.Love thrives when people are in touch. By avoiding his friends, Satya himself is sending away his friends. This is causing pain to him already, and it is the same pain that he wishes to avoid.

2.He is sending away his friends who may stick with him for a long time, as they may not plan to leave place where they have spent so many years of their life.

3.He is causing pain to his friends by moving away from them without any apparent reason. His friends won’t know why he is avoiding them. And when they hear the truth, Satya may be looked upon as a person who is selfish & contacts others only when he requires help.

4.He will not be able to call anyone for help when he really needs it, because after some time his friends will start avoiding him too.

After doing the above analysis, I called up Satya to inform him what I had discovered and to ask him to stop this appproach. But he did not receive the call as he wished to avoid me.

Four destructive phrases that should be avoided in discussions

After I wasted a weekend, as I mentioned in my last post, I did plan my next weekend in a much better manner. And it went well. What did not go well was the week after the weekend. I had a very big mis-understanding with one of my closest friends. There were lot of arguments & counter-arguments, and feelings were hurt. Fortunately, the fires have died down now & things are starting to become normal again.

When the mis-understanding first came up, I sat with my friend to discuss the issue. Many times these discussions became arguments. You may ask what is the difference in discussion & arguments in this case. What I saw was that we started the discussion with the purpose of resolving the issue. But during the discussion the attitude of the participants changed, & towards the end we were speaking to prove our point, to prove that one was right and other was wrong, and not to resolve the issue. As this happened again & again, I began to look for those word & phrases that changed a constructive discussion into a destructive argument. I came up with the following list:

1. Its not my problem (or 'it is your problem'): The best discussion buster. You can be assured that the moment one person uses this phrase, he indicates that he no longer feels he needs to do anything to resolve the issue. In fact, he feels that he does not have to do anything with the issue, and should not be dragged in the discussion to resolve the problem. The other person(s) is solely responsible to do the fire-fighting.

I have worked few good managers, and some not-so-good-managers in my workplace. The good managers never use this phrase during any discussion even when the issue is actually 'not their problem'. The not-so-good-managers tend to use this more often and put the blame on somebody else.

2. I am like that only: May not be a grammatically correct phrase, but I have heard it being used many times. When somebody says this, he means that he is not going to change his behaviour/actions to resolve the issue, or prevent it from cropping up later on. He does not want to change his nature. The other person has to work within this extra constraint and still resolve the problem. I have been defeated in many arguments by this phrase alone. I have a simple philosophy: Accept people as they are, and do not try to transform them. Instead, change yourself. And when somebody says this phrase to me, I cannot argue back as it goes against my policy!

3. What's the use?: This phrase may not be heard as often as the other two mentioned above, but is equally effective in creating bitterness between people. I told my friend about all the efforts I was making to bring our relationship back to normal, and he asked me, 'what's the use'? :-( I was expecting an appreciation for the efforts I was making, and such a question added insult to injury.

In addition to the above three, there is one more phrase that is used very commonly by many of us. This did not come up during the arguments with my friend, but I have observed its negativity very often.

4. I told you so!: Very commonly used, and very effective if you want to put somebody down. We all use it when at the 'right' time, when we know we were right all the way & the other person never listened to us, continued in his own way & finally tasted failure. I ask myself, do I really need to speak it out? Why don't I comfort him after his failure? All the effort he had put in has not borne the results he was looking for, and is disappointed. And, after his failure, he anyway realizes that I was right, and I had told him so.

There are many more phrases that can be destructive. If you know, please put them in the comments below.

Learn from others' mistake

This is the story of 2 friends; Ginny & Cathy. Both worked in the same firm, and liked each other a lot. Ginny had migrated from her home-village, away from her parents, and earned a living by working for this firm. Cathy was the only daughter of a wealthy businessman of the town. There was no need for her to work, as her father earned enough for the family. But working for the firm gave her confidence in self, and she enjoyed working with Ginny. As Ginny was poor, sometimes Cathy used to give her a drop in the evening to his lodging on her bike. The ride used to take 1 hour, and gave ample opportunities to both of them to discuss their joys and sorrows with each other.

Ginny considered their friendship as sacred. She knew that she had got a good friend, whom she should not trouble at any cost. Cathy too shared this view.

Soon there was news that the firm was going to hire some new workers, and the current workers can bring in their friends, and relatives who may be hired. Cathy knew one girl, Tina, who lived near-by her house and was looking out to work somewhere. Cathy spoke to her when she got to her home, and then next day Tina too came to the firm to apply for the job. Fortunately, she was hired on the same day, and told to come to work from next day onwards.

Tina joined the firm next day, and Cathy introduced her to Ginny. Ginny was impressed by Tina's personality and was happy that such a good person has joined the firm. As it was her first day, she helped Tina in whatever way she could, to get her familiar with the work. In the evening, Ginny asked Cathy to drop Tina to her house, as both of them stayed near-by to each other. Ginny had no problem in going by the local bus. She had been used to it for along time.

Soon Tina became an integral part of the firm. Everybody liked her serene nature, and she made many friends in short time. Still she did not forget the help given to her by Cathy and Ginny, and used to spend time regularly with them.

After some time, Ginny began to notice a change in Cathy's behavior. She started leaving early in the evening, and won't even ask Ginny as to what time will she leave, and could she give a drop to him. Ginny also noticed that Tina accompanies Cathy more often to her home. When Ginny asked Cathy about this behavior of hers, Cathy smiled and said “It’s between us. We both are good friends, and there are some things that we cannot share with anybody.” Ginny was surprised with this response, but did not respond. After all, he thought, Cathy is happy with her new friend, and that is what Ginny wanted.

But soon Ginny found out that she did not have time to speak to Cathy. During the day, both were busy with their work, and the evening ride, that was the time when they could speak to each other, was no more existent. Ginny started feeling depressed about it, and felt that there was no point in speaking to Cathy anymore. When Cathy will greet her in the morning, she would not reply to her properly, pretending to be extremely busy. Then in the evening too, when Cathy will come to say good-bye to her before leaving to her home, Ginny made it a habit to go to some-body else’ workplace, so that Cathy won’t find her.

The one day suddenly Cathy came to Ginny during working hours. Ginny could not believe that Cathy has come to meet her, and not just to say good-morning or good-bye. Cathy looked very upset. Ginny asked her, “What happened to you? You look terribly upset.”

Cathy said, “You know Ginny. Yesterday I had to leave early. Some guests were expected at home, and I had to go and help my mother prepare dinner for them. So I could not wait for Tina to finish her work, and drop her. Now she is so angry with me that she has not spoken to me since morning. She even refuses to look at me. Is that how friends are? Till yesterday, she used to tell everybody that I am her best friend at the firm. Does her speaking to me depends upon whether I drop her or not?”

Ginny knew her mistake immediately. She too had fallen in the same trap in which Tina has fallen. She too had stopped interacting with Cathy since she had stopped dropping her to home in the evening. The only difference between Ginny and Tina was that Tina had expressed how she felt, but Ginny had not.

Ginny now realized that he could still learn from Tina’s mistake. She will prove herself better than Tina. She will speak to Cathy, irrespective of whether she drops her home or not. She had finally learned a lesson from somebody else’ mistake.

The above narration is a real incident, to which I have been a witness. I hope Ginny, Cathy & Tina are listening...