Waiting for a call that did not come (Part 4)

In the evening, they went down the hill to climb it on-foot. This was a part of the pilgrimage. He asked his sister to click a photo of himself before he started climbing.

‘I want to see how I look before and after the climb. Will I be able to smile after climbing three-thousand steps?’ he asked himself.

In the beginning, it all seemed to be too easy. But as the ascent increased, the steps became steeper. The sultry weather made them sweat profusely. His sister was taking frequent rests, as her husband coaxed and encouraged her.

Soon he had climbed more than a thousand steps. His shirt was dripping with sweat. He had to sit down to catch his breath And it was then he once again remembered about the call.

'If he calls me now, I may not be able to talk to him. I should catch my breath first. I will also tell him that this climb is not easy.'

He prayed for his friend and moved on. There were other pilgrims who were climbing along with him. And soon, they became all familiar faces. Many times he overtook them. And when he sat down to take little rest, they will overtake him, smiling at him, proud of themselves that they are better than him. But soon, he will get up and start climbing, and they will watch him skip ahead of them. This game went on for many minutes, and finally the steepness of the steps decreased! The way ahead was not so steep. He bought a water bottle, and drank to celebrate the milestone. He noticed that a deer park was now visible on the left-side of the steps.

There were few deers watching the pilgrims behind the fence. Many people stopped at that spot to take rest, and entertain themselves with the deers. They were offered eatables which were lapped up eagerly. He sat watching this scene, and made a mental note to tell his friend too.

He continued climbing. As he had left his sister behind, he received an SMS from her to wait. He sat down at a comfortable place, and looked around. It was almost twilight now. The shadows on the hill were becoming darker. As he glanced through the landscape around him, he noticed the water-bottles thrown in by the devotees.

“On one side we have come for pilgrimage. On the other side, we spoil the God’s creation, the Nature itself, by piling up plastic wastes”. He felt bad about it, but could not find any dust-bin nearby where those bottles could have been thrown.

He sat waiting, and thought about his friend. He had not called yet. What could be the reason? Has he forgotten his promise? Or he does not care now that his work was already done. Tears welled up in his eyes as the face of his friend swam before him. He wiped them out before his sister arrived at the spot.

He was surprised to see that at certain spots, they had to actually climb down steps even though they were going up the hill. His brother-in-law told him that it happened because they were moving from one hill to another. Soon they were again climbing up.

They finished the climb in three and a half hours. It was pretty dark. He asked his sister to click another photo of himself. Then they went back to the guest house where they were staying.

He was tired and his legs were aching. As he lied down on the bed, he thought about his friend. He now knew that the call he had been waiting for will not come.

Any task that is on-hand should be done with single-minded concentration. Thinking of something else not only prevents one from enjoying the current task, but also takes away focus. Living in the present moment is most important. And on a pilgrimage, it is foolish to be thinking of something else other than God.

It was a tough lesson that he learned over 24 hours of suffering.

Waiting for a call that will not come (Part 3)

When his eyes opened, it was broad daylight. The bus was entering a town, the name of which he could not read as he did not know the local language. Soon, the bus reached a bus-station, and almost everybody got down along with their luggage. Figuring out that this must be his destination too, he stepped out of the bus. After inquiring at the Inquiry office, he realized that he has to take one more bus to complete his journey.He called his sister, and updated her about his status.

Then he stared at the phone for many minutes. Will his friend call now? He considered calling his friend, but then decided not to. Since it was a Sunday, his friend might get up late. He did not want to disturb him. Still his mind remained clouded with his thoughts. Will he call, and ask him where had he reached? Did he eat something? Did he face any problem in a place where he did not know the language?

‘He will call. Just wait.’ He said to himself.

He sat in the bus that will take him to Tirumala. As the bus began the climb, he was reminded of his previous visit to a hill station. He looked out of the window. The city of Tirupati was spread out on the plain below the hill. It was a beautiful sight.

He reached the Tirumala town at 9:30 am. His sister was to arrive two hours later, and he had that much time to kill. The first task was to find a place to have breakfast. He found a public tap where he brushed his teeth & washed his face. Then, he located a small shop and ordered flavoured milk & bread. The taste of the milk was foreign to him, and ended up spoiling the taste in his mouth.

‘When he calls me, I will remember to tell him that flavoured milk here is not good’, he made a mental note.

He spent rest of the waiting time, praying to God, and watching the children of the pilgrims around him. They were running around the place, trying to catch each other. And then their mother will shout at them to come back to her. They will come back reluctantly, only to run away once her focus shifted to something else.

Soon his sister arrived, and he joined her. And for the first time, he forgot about the call.

Waiting for a call that may not come (Part 2)

His neck ached due to constant strain. The seat had turned out not to be too comfortable after all. When he could not sleep, he prayed to God. He felt he will not sleep at all. Still, he closed his eyes, covered them with a blanket to avoid the occasional streak of light coming from street-lamps.

It was difficult to say how long he slept, but when his eyes opened, he knew it was not because of the uncomfortable position he was in. The bus was standing still. There was no sound whatsoever. He could hear only the crickets out there, chirping at night.

‘May be the bus-driver & conductor have gone for refreshments’, he thought. He lied down more comfortably now, across three seats, and he knew he will be able to sleep now.

However, it was not to be a night for good sleep. His eyes opened again. The bus had not moved at all. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, and then he could see a small building in front of the bus. Other passengers in the bus were sleeping soundly.

‘How long do they take to finish their refreshments?’ he thought.

It was time to investigate. He got down from the bus. What he thought was small building, turned out to be a lorry. The bus-driver was lying down on the road, as if he is relaxing.

“There has been an accident ahead, sahib. There is big traffic jam. We cannot continue till the road ahead is cleared”, the bus driver told him

“Doesn’t matter.” He said to himself, and came back to his seat to sleep. After some time, the bus–engine roared to life. The road ahead was finally clear, and he was travelling again. He checked his cellphone. The phone-call had not yet come.

(To be continued...)

Waiting for a call that may come (Part 1)

It was Saturday evening, and the traffic on the road was not much. He reached the bus station, around 9 pm. He was scheduled to catch a bus to Tirupati. His ticket was booked for a luxury bus that was due to depart at 11:30 pm.

As he reached the bus station, he saw half a dozen buses already waiting to depart to Tirupati. Numerous bus-conductors were shouting to attract passengers to their respective buses. From far anyone would have thought that they were having an argument with each other. He smiled at this scene, politely refusing few conductors who asked him to get into their bus.

The buses were also of different types; some were with standard seats, which could be boarded with any prior reservation ; whereas others were luxury buses, have more comfortable seats, which could be pulled back to make you more comfortable. But traveling close to 6 hours in such buses was still a difficult task, as there is not much room for one to stretch his body.

It was time for dinner. Even as he wondered what to eat, he remembered what had happened earlier in the day. One of his sisters had offered to pack his dinner (rice & sambhar). He had refused the offer. But now he felt grateful to her for her concern. He sought out a small eatery, and ate the same items she had offered, thinking about her & praying for her well-being all the time.

He waited for the phone-call. He had had a conversation with his friend recently. His friend had expressed his thanks to him for the help that he had rendered to him. The friend also told him that he will call him soon. And, now, his friend may call him, ask him whether he had his dinner or not, whether he reached the bus-station in time or not, and so many other things. He knew that there was a possibility of his friend not calling him, but he waited.

He rested himself on a push-cart waiting for the bus. ‘Amazing place,’ he thought, ’Throughout the 24 hours, there is so much activity that it looks like people here never go to sleep.’ There was a big queue of the buses at the exit gate. For no apparent reason, the bus which was at the gate will stop & wait for more passengers. This would frustrate the other bus-drivers behind, and they will honk non-stop. And once that bus leaves, the one coming behind it will follow suit.

Even as he watched this commotion, he saw his bus arrive. He got into it, and confirmed his reservation with the conductor. Soon, he had settled down on his luxurious, push-back seat. The conductor informed him that the seat next to him is not booked by anybody. Even as he rejoiced over the extra space he now had to stretch himself during the long journey, an old man arrived and sat next to him. A casual conversation indicated that he had just boarded the bus, as it was less crowded compared to other buses, and had better seats. He realized that he had celebrated too early.

The bus took 30 minutes to break free out of the congested exit gate. His co-passenger had shifted to another seat, so that he could he could have the adjacent seat to himself . He closed his eyes as the bus sped through the minimal traffic of the city. And he still waited for the call. His friend would ask him whether he caught the bus or not. Was he feeling cold? Did he have a good-enough blanket to cover himself at night? Is the seat comfortable enough to sleep?

(To be continued...)

Love in relationship is a "decision"

My friend Priyadharshini sent me an article entitled "Am I with the right partner?" The article has some important insights.

A google search found me links to the blogs where this article has been already published. Hence I do not wish to publish it again, but will highlight the two important lessons that the article aims to teach.

1. Love in relationship is a "decision"... not just a feeling.

This sentence may contradict the myth of 'love-at-first-sight', but it is very true. When we fall in love with a person, we decide to ignore his/her short-comings. That's why, "love is blind".

2. The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

Yes, nobody ever finds the ideal partner in life (it happens only on TV). We learn to adjust with the one whom we have found.

The article can be read here.

How to get help requests in the areas of your strength

Last week I had an opportunity to watch a video entitled "The Fulcrum Effect" by Rajesh Setty. It turned out to be not just a relaxation from routine work, but also a virtual classroom where I learnt quite a few lessons.

Amongst other points that Rajesh makes in the video, one that I found very unique was "How to get help requests in the areas of your strength, & how to say 'no' to people who ask you for help in areas in which you are not strong". He elucidates that a lot of research has been done to find out as to what is the best way to say 'no' to such requests, and there are 5 steps in which 'no' can be said.


1. Acknowledge the request: Get the confirmation as to in which area you are being asked for help. Ensure that help is not being asked in the area of your strength.

Example: If your friend asks you to review the manuscript of the book he plans to publish, then confirm whether he wants you to do just the proof-reading, or more than that.

2. Refuse politely: Say "No" in plain and simple words: "Sorry, I can't do that."

3. Explain: Give explanation as to why you can't help the person. Be truthful.

Example: Tell your friend that you are not a writer, and hence not suitable for the job.

4. Provide options: Give the person another source from where he/she can get the help.

Example: Refer your friend to someone else you know who has a good reputation for his/her writing skills.

5. State your area of strength: Inform the requester about the area in which you welcome requests for help.

Example: Tell your friend that if he wanted help in making a presentation, you would be glad to help.

If you follow the above steps, you not only empower yourself to use your time more productively, but also benefit others.

(a) You don't waste your time doing something that you are not good at.
(b) You inform your friend about the areas of your strength. This way, he will come to you when he needs help in those areas. You will then work in those areas, and become even more stronger.
(c) Your friend finds the right source for the help he requires.
(d) The person who helps your friend becomes stronger in the area of his strength.
(e) Your friendship does not suffer even though you did not help your friend.

The video has many more such insights, and it is highly recommended for everybody. The DVD is available here.

Quotes on life

My friend Vikas recently sent me few quotes, which I found to be very inspiring. These quotes make one accept the reality & help prepare for tough times that everyone inevitably goes through in life.


Though most of these quotes are very popular, it is worth reading them once again & assure ourselves that whatever we are doing, we are on our journey to achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves.

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Success:

Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.

What is the secret of Success... ?
"Right Decisions"
How do you make Right Decisions... ?
"Through Experience"
How do you get Experience.. . ?
"While making wrong decisions in the past..! “
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Strength:

If you know the strength and patience, welcome the company of trees.
- Hal Borland

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Actions:

You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
-Stanley Ferrard

Don't make promise when you are in Joy . Don't reply when you are Sad. Don't take decisions when you are Angry.

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Happiness:

The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of all. They simply appreciate what they find on their way.

Write your Sad times in Sand. Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw

Easy to receive. Difficult to give.

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Love:

It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love, than to lose the one you Love because of Ego.
-John Keats

Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day.

A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
- Charles Dickens

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Are you moving away from your friends?

Recently I had gone to Agra for some personal work. I had done my  schooling there & had a lot of friends at that time. That was 13 years ago. So this time I wished to catch up with my old friends. After a little struggle, I was able to meet one of my friends, Satya. 

Satya, as I remember, was a typical guy. He had lots of friends, including me. But I was not his best friend as we had lot of differences too between us. Nevertheless, it was good to see him again, & we chatted for a couple of hours catching up on each other.

Satya told me that he had lost many friends in the past years as many had moved out of Agra for further studies or some other reason. It was a very painful for him to see his friends go away. Finally he decided not have close friends any more. He had stopped calling his friends for casual chats, and refused to meet them during the weekends. He was feeling miserable at the moment, but thought he will get used to a life without close friends soon, and be his normal self once again. This he was doing to prevent himself from undergoing any more separation from his friends who may go away in the future.

I was really surprised to hear that Satya, who likes to be surrounded by friends, has decided to shun away from companionship. I could only admire his resolve to change his nature to such a great extent.

I contemplated on this during a long train journey back home couple of days later. I realised that there were certain flaws in his method to avoid pain.

1.Love thrives when people are in touch. By avoiding his friends, Satya himself is sending away his friends. This is causing pain to him already, and it is the same pain that he wishes to avoid.

2.He is sending away his friends who may stick with him for a long time, as they may not plan to leave place where they have spent so many years of their life.

3.He is causing pain to his friends by moving away from them without any apparent reason. His friends won’t know why he is avoiding them. And when they hear the truth, Satya may be looked upon as a person who is selfish & contacts others only when he requires help.

4.He will not be able to call anyone for help when he really needs it, because after some time his friends will start avoiding him too.

After doing the above analysis, I called up Satya to inform him what I had discovered and to ask him to stop this appproach. But he did not receive the call as he wished to avoid me.

Why we shout when we are angry?

I received the following gem from my sister Meenu. This is a great reading.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Another answer came, ' By shouting we let out our frustration.'

But the saint was not satisfied. Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

The saint continued, 'What happens when two people are in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small... 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

'Am I egoistic?'

It was written all across his face that he was very happy. Vinod emptied the glass of water and then asked him, “I can tell by looking at your face that something has happened & now you are at truce with Sudha. Am I right?”

Ganesh sighed. “Yes. You are too good a psychologist. It was a bit of problem which we resolved finally. The last week’s fight was very bad. We were sleeping in separate rooms. And we were not on talking terms too. She prepared breakfast & lunch for me in the morning and then entered the bathroom, and won’t come out till I leave for office. When I come in the evening, food will be on the table, she will be sleeping in her room. But finally we started to miss each other. Yesterday I bought her favourite ice-cream, went to her room. She was pretending to sleep. But I forcefully woke her up, and gave the ice-cream. And rest is history. We apologised to each other and the same good old days are back now.”

“Good to hear that. I did not like your sullen & unshaven face last week” laughed Vinod.

“But I don’t understand one thing Vinod” Ganesh said. “I love Sudha more than my life. We have been married for many months now. We do have our small misunderstandings. But the day this misunderstanding came up, I started hating her. After our fight, she went to the living room to watch TV. She was watching her favourite comedy serial, and was laughing at those silly jokes made by the actors. But I was feeling very jealous inside myself. Seeing her laugh was making my blood boil. I wished that power goes off, or our TV goes out of order and she is not able to watch the serial. I wanted her to keep crying till she comes back to me. Similarly, when she was talking to the neighbour in the evening, she was enjoying her time. I just wanted to bash both their faces at that time. But after we made up last night, I wonder how could I have such ghastly thoughts about her? After all, I love her.”

Vinod continued to sip his juice as he smiled at Ganesh. “You mean you wished ill for Sudha when both of you were fighting?”

“Yes. Very much. And I am ashamed of it. Do you think I love her?”

“Tell me one thing” Vinod asked. “Whose was guilty of the argument? Was it your mistake or hers?”

“How does it matter Vinod? We apologised to each other & we are happy now. Everything has been forgiven.”

“Who apologised first? You or her?”

“It was me, “Ganesh said. “I took the ice-cream to her and said that I was sorry. She immediately responded by saying sorry.”

“You said sorry first even though it was not necessarily your mistake. Am I right?”

“Yes. May be I was wrong. May be not. But both of us apologised to each other.”

“Then you love her. No doubt about it. Love requires swallowing ones ego. You did that, though it was after few days. You love her. And she said sorry immediately after you apologised. So she loves you too.”

“Then why did I think of hurting her?”

“Ego.”

“Ego?”

“Yes ego. After you fought, it was your ego which demanded that Sudha cannot be happy without you. It wanted to hurt her. It always wants you to feel important. It wants to prove that you are such an important person in her life that she cannot remain happy even for a moment without you. It wanted to cut-off all other sources of her happiness, so that she depends only upon you for her happiness.”

“So you mean I am egoistic?”

“We all are, to some degree.”

“But just now you told I swallowed my ego? And proved that I really love her..!”

“Yes. You were egoistic when you thought of hurting her. Ego blinds us more than love. That’s why, even though you love Sudha, you wanted TV or the neighbour to go away. But later, love overcame ego. You decided to apologise. You took the first step. Love triumphed over ego.”

“I see...My God! I never thought that way” Ganesh said.

“You will get it. Think about it. When we love somebody we always say, ‘your happiness is my happiness’. Don’t we? But what happens when we fight or argue? Isn’t other’s happiness not our happiness at that point too? It is.”

“Then what happens?”

“Always remember, if 2 people, who say they love each other are having a fight, watch for the one who starts shouting first. When he starts shouting, his ego has overcome his love for the other person. The other person will not shout till his ego is hurt by the shouting from the first one.

“So you mean to say I need to overcome my ego?”

“You already did once. Next time, let it not take few days, but few hours. And going forward let it be few minutes.”

“You are right. Then I will not have to suffer so much.”

“I don’t know, who among you shouted first, and whose mistake was it overall. But I know, Sudha is lucky to have you as life-partner. You will ensure that the relationship lasts long.”

“Thanks Vinod” Ganesh chuckled.

“Still I wonder Ganesh. Why did not she approach you first to apologise?”

“...........”



(Based on a true incident.)

Four destructive phrases that should be avoided in discussions

After I wasted a weekend, as I mentioned in my last post, I did plan my next weekend in a much better manner. And it went well. What did not go well was the week after the weekend. I had a very big mis-understanding with one of my closest friends. There were lot of arguments & counter-arguments, and feelings were hurt. Fortunately, the fires have died down now & things are starting to become normal again.

When the mis-understanding first came up, I sat with my friend to discuss the issue. Many times these discussions became arguments. You may ask what is the difference in discussion & arguments in this case. What I saw was that we started the discussion with the purpose of resolving the issue. But during the discussion the attitude of the participants changed, & towards the end we were speaking to prove our point, to prove that one was right and other was wrong, and not to resolve the issue. As this happened again & again, I began to look for those word & phrases that changed a constructive discussion into a destructive argument. I came up with the following list:

1. Its not my problem (or 'it is your problem'): The best discussion buster. You can be assured that the moment one person uses this phrase, he indicates that he no longer feels he needs to do anything to resolve the issue. In fact, he feels that he does not have to do anything with the issue, and should not be dragged in the discussion to resolve the problem. The other person(s) is solely responsible to do the fire-fighting.

I have worked few good managers, and some not-so-good-managers in my workplace. The good managers never use this phrase during any discussion even when the issue is actually 'not their problem'. The not-so-good-managers tend to use this more often and put the blame on somebody else.

2. I am like that only: May not be a grammatically correct phrase, but I have heard it being used many times. When somebody says this, he means that he is not going to change his behaviour/actions to resolve the issue, or prevent it from cropping up later on. He does not want to change his nature. The other person has to work within this extra constraint and still resolve the problem. I have been defeated in many arguments by this phrase alone. I have a simple philosophy: Accept people as they are, and do not try to transform them. Instead, change yourself. And when somebody says this phrase to me, I cannot argue back as it goes against my policy!

3. What's the use?: This phrase may not be heard as often as the other two mentioned above, but is equally effective in creating bitterness between people. I told my friend about all the efforts I was making to bring our relationship back to normal, and he asked me, 'what's the use'? :-( I was expecting an appreciation for the efforts I was making, and such a question added insult to injury.

In addition to the above three, there is one more phrase that is used very commonly by many of us. This did not come up during the arguments with my friend, but I have observed its negativity very often.

4. I told you so!: Very commonly used, and very effective if you want to put somebody down. We all use it when at the 'right' time, when we know we were right all the way & the other person never listened to us, continued in his own way & finally tasted failure. I ask myself, do I really need to speak it out? Why don't I comfort him after his failure? All the effort he had put in has not borne the results he was looking for, and is disappointed. And, after his failure, he anyway realizes that I was right, and I had told him so.

There are many more phrases that can be destructive. If you know, please put them in the comments below.

Learn from others' mistake

This is the story of 2 friends; Ginny & Cathy. Both worked in the same firm, and liked each other a lot. Ginny had migrated from her home-village, away from her parents, and earned a living by working for this firm. Cathy was the only daughter of a wealthy businessman of the town. There was no need for her to work, as her father earned enough for the family. But working for the firm gave her confidence in self, and she enjoyed working with Ginny. As Ginny was poor, sometimes Cathy used to give her a drop in the evening to his lodging on her bike. The ride used to take 1 hour, and gave ample opportunities to both of them to discuss their joys and sorrows with each other.

Ginny considered their friendship as sacred. She knew that she had got a good friend, whom she should not trouble at any cost. Cathy too shared this view.

Soon there was news that the firm was going to hire some new workers, and the current workers can bring in their friends, and relatives who may be hired. Cathy knew one girl, Tina, who lived near-by her house and was looking out to work somewhere. Cathy spoke to her when she got to her home, and then next day Tina too came to the firm to apply for the job. Fortunately, she was hired on the same day, and told to come to work from next day onwards.

Tina joined the firm next day, and Cathy introduced her to Ginny. Ginny was impressed by Tina's personality and was happy that such a good person has joined the firm. As it was her first day, she helped Tina in whatever way she could, to get her familiar with the work. In the evening, Ginny asked Cathy to drop Tina to her house, as both of them stayed near-by to each other. Ginny had no problem in going by the local bus. She had been used to it for along time.

Soon Tina became an integral part of the firm. Everybody liked her serene nature, and she made many friends in short time. Still she did not forget the help given to her by Cathy and Ginny, and used to spend time regularly with them.

After some time, Ginny began to notice a change in Cathy's behavior. She started leaving early in the evening, and won't even ask Ginny as to what time will she leave, and could she give a drop to him. Ginny also noticed that Tina accompanies Cathy more often to her home. When Ginny asked Cathy about this behavior of hers, Cathy smiled and said “It’s between us. We both are good friends, and there are some things that we cannot share with anybody.” Ginny was surprised with this response, but did not respond. After all, he thought, Cathy is happy with her new friend, and that is what Ginny wanted.

But soon Ginny found out that she did not have time to speak to Cathy. During the day, both were busy with their work, and the evening ride, that was the time when they could speak to each other, was no more existent. Ginny started feeling depressed about it, and felt that there was no point in speaking to Cathy anymore. When Cathy will greet her in the morning, she would not reply to her properly, pretending to be extremely busy. Then in the evening too, when Cathy will come to say good-bye to her before leaving to her home, Ginny made it a habit to go to some-body else’ workplace, so that Cathy won’t find her.

The one day suddenly Cathy came to Ginny during working hours. Ginny could not believe that Cathy has come to meet her, and not just to say good-morning or good-bye. Cathy looked very upset. Ginny asked her, “What happened to you? You look terribly upset.”

Cathy said, “You know Ginny. Yesterday I had to leave early. Some guests were expected at home, and I had to go and help my mother prepare dinner for them. So I could not wait for Tina to finish her work, and drop her. Now she is so angry with me that she has not spoken to me since morning. She even refuses to look at me. Is that how friends are? Till yesterday, she used to tell everybody that I am her best friend at the firm. Does her speaking to me depends upon whether I drop her or not?”

Ginny knew her mistake immediately. She too had fallen in the same trap in which Tina has fallen. She too had stopped interacting with Cathy since she had stopped dropping her to home in the evening. The only difference between Ginny and Tina was that Tina had expressed how she felt, but Ginny had not.

Ginny now realized that he could still learn from Tina’s mistake. She will prove herself better than Tina. She will speak to Cathy, irrespective of whether she drops her home or not. She had finally learned a lesson from somebody else’ mistake.

The above narration is a real incident, to which I have been a witness. I hope Ginny, Cathy & Tina are listening...

Thanksgiving

Yesterday we had a special team-lunch. The QA team in our organization had been declared as an independent body few months ago, but there had not been many occasions to get together on a personal front. All we had done earlier was to indulge in meetings that were meant to discuss pending issues and difficulties. But yesterday’s was a fun outing where the members got to know each other on a personal front rather than professional one.

We journeyed for around 20 minutes to a well-known restaurant, and sat down as a group (9 of us) on 2 tables that were placed next to each other for our convenience. As we were going through the starters, our QA Lead, Ravi, came up with a unique activity. He asked everyone to get up from their chair, walk up, and thank the person who has helped them most in the last one year. He also told that he should be counted out of this, and nobody should come and thank him.

Then followed what can be described as moment to remember, as each one of us went round the table and shook hand with the person who has helped us most in the past one year. One could see the joy on the person’s face who got up to thank, and an equal amount of satisfaction on the recipient’s face. This exercise gave all of us an insight into the helpful nature of people whom we know just as colleagues and professionals. The entire exercise lasted just 5 minutes but it had a huge impact on everybody present. Those who had helped others were much more motivated to continue to do so, and broaden their spectrum on this arena.

There was, however, one particular trait that came out of this exercise. If the person A was thanked by B and C, then A will invariably go to one of them to thank him/her in return. There was a mutual feeling of helping each other among the group. This reflects that well-known saying that what you give comes back many folds to you.

May be you too can try out in a team-meeting of yours. Do not get shocked if you get surprising results.

Do we lose our identity when we change ourselves?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine. (Let us call him Ram.) It was just a casual conversation. We were asking each other as to what is going on in other’s life. He mentioned that he had been through a rift with one of his friend, and had sorted it out earlier in the day by talking to her.

It popped out during their conversation that Ram's friend wanted him to change some of his ways of doing things. But Ram was reluctant to change. The reason, he cited, was very simple. According to him, if he changes himself, he will lose his identity, which he did not want to. If he changes himself for sake of just one person, he will not remain Ram. He will not be the same Ram whom people know. For all his friends, Ram stands for something; a particular type of behaviour, a particular way of speaking, walking, eating habits, and other dimensions that make up his personality. If he starts changing these traits, just because one person out of billions on this earth asked him to do so, is it really worth it?

The conversation ended at that and I was left thinking about what Ram had said. At times, others ask us to change our particular personality trait. At other times, we admire people around us, and we wish to become like them. I have personally experienced this situation. I used to admire one senior student in my college days (I still admire him today). He is very popular among people around him. He has a very good sense of humour, is very helpful, and a good singer too. He also meets everybody with enthusiasm, and has never been known to become angry. I wanted to inculcate the same personality traits in me and become as popular as him. I knew I cannot become a good singer overnight. But I thought I can copy his other traits and embed them into my personality. I did that & failed miserably. The reason being the difference between my nature and his nature. I realized that my way of approaching people is slightly different from the way he approaches others.

When Ram spoke to me, I was reminded of this failure of mine. Most of me agreed that he Ram has got it right, but somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew that I had missed something vital. I discussed this point with a colleague of mine. I know her as an open-minded person, & whom I admire for simplicity & clarity of thoughts. Thanks to her, I learned the following lessons:

• Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, we change; our personality changes regularly. We are not the same person what we were 6 months ago.
• If somebody has asked us to change a particular habit of ours, which means that he wants us to become a better person, and thus he cares for us. We should be thankful to that person to bring it to our notice.
• We should not hesitate to try. If we change that particular habit of ours, and other people around us give positive feedback about the change, the change is worth making. On the other hand, if the people around us say that they did not like the new change in us, we can revert back to what we were earlier (which will be very easy).
• When our friend sees that we changed after he has asked us to, he realizes that we value his words. In turn, he too starts giving value to our words.
• People around us see us as a more flexible and open-minded individual.

In conclusion, I would say, when we change our personality after somebody’s feedback, it is not that we become somebody else. But, our personality becomes better. Others may start liking us and then they may like to become like us. Overall, we gain more friends, and become more popular.

Ram….are you listening?

Is it casual relationship, or is it love?

In love, we are decieved may times. We think that certain person loves us, but he/she actually does not. Or, we may think that we have no more than just a casul relationship with him/her, but actually it is much more than that. Is there any way to know how much we love a person?

I received the following quote from one sister of mine. It is very relevant, & it is a very high probability that we all have experienced this at least once so far in our lives:

And ever has it been, that love knows not its own depth, until the hour of separation.

Just stay away from the person in question. Do not see his face, do not speak to him, even on the phone, throughout the day. And check your feelings in the evening. If you feel sad, you definitely love the person, irrespective of how much you deny it.

Quotes worth citing #6

Continuing the quotes, here is another gem. I like it a lot because this one defines the way we should handle love.

We do acts of love, to show somebody how much we love him/her, and then we expect the person to reciprocate. We will have our own expectation. And the reciprocation may be different from what we expect. Then, what is our reaction?

For example, I give an expensive dress to my friend on his Birthday as a gift. Now, do I expect a similar dress from him on my birthday? Am I ready for anything else that he may try to give me? For example, a pocket-book, that may cost a fraction of the dress that I gave, but according to him, is the right gift for me. He may or may not know my taste, but that is a different matter altogether.

Its good to accept that token of love. I know what to give. But do I know how to take? The quote goes thus:

The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and how to let it come in

A friend v/s a colleague

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Each one of us need a friend who is there to help us in the times of need. Those of us who have a friend are really fortunate. And others who do not have, are in search of one.

Ever thought that your colleagues can be your friend? Let us take a scenario. Your friend joins the same organization for which you are currently working. He is now your colleague. You will definitely consider yourself lucky. He is going to be by your side through-out the day, may be even outside the office hours.

Now let's take the other scenario, where you are looking for a friend amongst your colleagues. This is not a very comfortable situation. Finding a friend is not a piece of cake.

If you are trying to figure out as to who among your colleagues can be good friend of yours, try to gauze how much he or she is interested in you. The following points can help:

Friend: Is interested in your life & career apart from his own.

Colleague: Is interested in you if you are helpful in his life & career.

Friend: Will share your workload if you need it, irrespective of his roles and responsibilities.

Colleague: Will ask you to share his workload.

Friend: Will wait for you so that you can join him for lunch.

Colleague: Will tell you that he had to miss his lunch to gain your sympathy.

Friend: Will share all the information with you irrespective of what you share with him.

Colleague: Will share information with you if can extract something more from you.

Friend: Will even wait for you after the office-hours so that both of you can leave together from the office.

Colleague: Not concerned as to when you leave the office.

Friend: If you are not well, he will be there to care for you in office, and outside the office.

Colleague: If you are not well, he will ensure that he does not get your workload.

If any of your colleagues satisfies most of the points mentioned above, then he/she is planning to be your friend.

Remember that the best way to make a friend is to be one. Look back at yourself & introspect whether you can be a friend to somebody or not.