'Am I egoistic?'

It was written all across his face that he was very happy. Vinod emptied the glass of water and then asked him, “I can tell by looking at your face that something has happened & now you are at truce with Sudha. Am I right?”

Ganesh sighed. “Yes. You are too good a psychologist. It was a bit of problem which we resolved finally. The last week’s fight was very bad. We were sleeping in separate rooms. And we were not on talking terms too. She prepared breakfast & lunch for me in the morning and then entered the bathroom, and won’t come out till I leave for office. When I come in the evening, food will be on the table, she will be sleeping in her room. But finally we started to miss each other. Yesterday I bought her favourite ice-cream, went to her room. She was pretending to sleep. But I forcefully woke her up, and gave the ice-cream. And rest is history. We apologised to each other and the same good old days are back now.”

“Good to hear that. I did not like your sullen & unshaven face last week” laughed Vinod.

“But I don’t understand one thing Vinod” Ganesh said. “I love Sudha more than my life. We have been married for many months now. We do have our small misunderstandings. But the day this misunderstanding came up, I started hating her. After our fight, she went to the living room to watch TV. She was watching her favourite comedy serial, and was laughing at those silly jokes made by the actors. But I was feeling very jealous inside myself. Seeing her laugh was making my blood boil. I wished that power goes off, or our TV goes out of order and she is not able to watch the serial. I wanted her to keep crying till she comes back to me. Similarly, when she was talking to the neighbour in the evening, she was enjoying her time. I just wanted to bash both their faces at that time. But after we made up last night, I wonder how could I have such ghastly thoughts about her? After all, I love her.”

Vinod continued to sip his juice as he smiled at Ganesh. “You mean you wished ill for Sudha when both of you were fighting?”

“Yes. Very much. And I am ashamed of it. Do you think I love her?”

“Tell me one thing” Vinod asked. “Whose was guilty of the argument? Was it your mistake or hers?”

“How does it matter Vinod? We apologised to each other & we are happy now. Everything has been forgiven.”

“Who apologised first? You or her?”

“It was me, “Ganesh said. “I took the ice-cream to her and said that I was sorry. She immediately responded by saying sorry.”

“You said sorry first even though it was not necessarily your mistake. Am I right?”

“Yes. May be I was wrong. May be not. But both of us apologised to each other.”

“Then you love her. No doubt about it. Love requires swallowing ones ego. You did that, though it was after few days. You love her. And she said sorry immediately after you apologised. So she loves you too.”

“Then why did I think of hurting her?”

“Ego.”

“Ego?”

“Yes ego. After you fought, it was your ego which demanded that Sudha cannot be happy without you. It wanted to hurt her. It always wants you to feel important. It wants to prove that you are such an important person in her life that she cannot remain happy even for a moment without you. It wanted to cut-off all other sources of her happiness, so that she depends only upon you for her happiness.”

“So you mean I am egoistic?”

“We all are, to some degree.”

“But just now you told I swallowed my ego? And proved that I really love her..!”

“Yes. You were egoistic when you thought of hurting her. Ego blinds us more than love. That’s why, even though you love Sudha, you wanted TV or the neighbour to go away. But later, love overcame ego. You decided to apologise. You took the first step. Love triumphed over ego.”

“I see...My God! I never thought that way” Ganesh said.

“You will get it. Think about it. When we love somebody we always say, ‘your happiness is my happiness’. Don’t we? But what happens when we fight or argue? Isn’t other’s happiness not our happiness at that point too? It is.”

“Then what happens?”

“Always remember, if 2 people, who say they love each other are having a fight, watch for the one who starts shouting first. When he starts shouting, his ego has overcome his love for the other person. The other person will not shout till his ego is hurt by the shouting from the first one.

“So you mean to say I need to overcome my ego?”

“You already did once. Next time, let it not take few days, but few hours. And going forward let it be few minutes.”

“You are right. Then I will not have to suffer so much.”

“I don’t know, who among you shouted first, and whose mistake was it overall. But I know, Sudha is lucky to have you as life-partner. You will ensure that the relationship lasts long.”

“Thanks Vinod” Ganesh chuckled.

“Still I wonder Ganesh. Why did not she approach you first to apologise?”

“...........”



(Based on a true incident.)

Four destructive phrases that should be avoided in discussions

After I wasted a weekend, as I mentioned in my last post, I did plan my next weekend in a much better manner. And it went well. What did not go well was the week after the weekend. I had a very big mis-understanding with one of my closest friends. There were lot of arguments & counter-arguments, and feelings were hurt. Fortunately, the fires have died down now & things are starting to become normal again.

When the mis-understanding first came up, I sat with my friend to discuss the issue. Many times these discussions became arguments. You may ask what is the difference in discussion & arguments in this case. What I saw was that we started the discussion with the purpose of resolving the issue. But during the discussion the attitude of the participants changed, & towards the end we were speaking to prove our point, to prove that one was right and other was wrong, and not to resolve the issue. As this happened again & again, I began to look for those word & phrases that changed a constructive discussion into a destructive argument. I came up with the following list:

1. Its not my problem (or 'it is your problem'): The best discussion buster. You can be assured that the moment one person uses this phrase, he indicates that he no longer feels he needs to do anything to resolve the issue. In fact, he feels that he does not have to do anything with the issue, and should not be dragged in the discussion to resolve the problem. The other person(s) is solely responsible to do the fire-fighting.

I have worked few good managers, and some not-so-good-managers in my workplace. The good managers never use this phrase during any discussion even when the issue is actually 'not their problem'. The not-so-good-managers tend to use this more often and put the blame on somebody else.

2. I am like that only: May not be a grammatically correct phrase, but I have heard it being used many times. When somebody says this, he means that he is not going to change his behaviour/actions to resolve the issue, or prevent it from cropping up later on. He does not want to change his nature. The other person has to work within this extra constraint and still resolve the problem. I have been defeated in many arguments by this phrase alone. I have a simple philosophy: Accept people as they are, and do not try to transform them. Instead, change yourself. And when somebody says this phrase to me, I cannot argue back as it goes against my policy!

3. What's the use?: This phrase may not be heard as often as the other two mentioned above, but is equally effective in creating bitterness between people. I told my friend about all the efforts I was making to bring our relationship back to normal, and he asked me, 'what's the use'? :-( I was expecting an appreciation for the efforts I was making, and such a question added insult to injury.

In addition to the above three, there is one more phrase that is used very commonly by many of us. This did not come up during the arguments with my friend, but I have observed its negativity very often.

4. I told you so!: Very commonly used, and very effective if you want to put somebody down. We all use it when at the 'right' time, when we know we were right all the way & the other person never listened to us, continued in his own way & finally tasted failure. I ask myself, do I really need to speak it out? Why don't I comfort him after his failure? All the effort he had put in has not borne the results he was looking for, and is disappointed. And, after his failure, he anyway realizes that I was right, and I had told him so.

There are many more phrases that can be destructive. If you know, please put them in the comments below.

A weekend wasted :-(

We all look forward top weekends, at least I do. And I wish my weekend to be more satisfying than the previous one. I had planned my weekend in advance this time. My plan was as follows:

1. Saturday: Travel with a colleague to a holy place outside the city, and have good outing.
2. Sunday: Helping my neighbour in packing the household luggage, as he was shifting to a new house.

I was pretty happy with this advance planning and knew that this weekend is going to be very satisfactory for me. Comes Saturday & all these plans went for a toss.

(a) Saturday: We had to leave at 5:30 am in the morning, but I got up from sleep only at 5:15 am. 15 minutes was never going to be sufficient to get ready and join the entire party with whom I was travelling. So Saturday's plan went down the drain.

(b) Sunday: My neighbour had organized for house-warming ceremony for the new house. It consisted of havan, (a ritualistic worship of the new house), lunch for the guests, and bhajans (singing of devotional songs). I had received an itinerary of the program, but I did not bother to read it, thinking that all I knew was that he is shifting on Sunday, and that's all I need to know. But, due to this schedule, he spent entire day at the new house, taking care of the ceremony, and there was no packing & shifting. Again, my plan of spending a day fruitfully went in vain.

I made following observations after wasting my weekend:

1. I need to always have an alternate plan. (I usually have, but this weekend I did not, as everything was fixed & nothing seemed to have any possibility of going wrong. My colleague did go to the holy place, and my neighbour did shift his house).
2. Just because things do not go as we planned, we should not waste time ruing about it. (I confess that I spent my Saturday cursing myself that I did not get up early. This guilt consumed what could have been a wonderful Saturday for me.)

I have not yet planned for the coming weekend. But, this time I know it won't be this fruitless.

Be Thankful...

It's easy to be thankful for the good things in life. But a life of rich fulfillment comes to those, who are also thankful for their setbacks. The following lines make us aware of those things that are valuable to us, but we don't realize their importance.

Thanks to my friend Prashant C P for sending the same :-)

Be thankful, that you don't have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful, when you don't know something.
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful, for the difficult times.
It is during those times that you grow.

Be thankful, for your limitations.
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful, for each new challenge.
For that will build your strength and character.

Be thankful, for your mistakes.
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful, when you're tired and weary.
Because it means you've made an effort.

Fire exit not for customer..!

When we are in business, each and everything, that a customer sees about us, makes a deep impact on his perception of ourselves. Recently I went to a restaurant with my team for lunch. There, the fire-exit door caught my eye. Below is the pic of same:



Now, is the message clear?

Learn from others' mistake

This is the story of 2 friends; Ginny & Cathy. Both worked in the same firm, and liked each other a lot. Ginny had migrated from her home-village, away from her parents, and earned a living by working for this firm. Cathy was the only daughter of a wealthy businessman of the town. There was no need for her to work, as her father earned enough for the family. But working for the firm gave her confidence in self, and she enjoyed working with Ginny. As Ginny was poor, sometimes Cathy used to give her a drop in the evening to his lodging on her bike. The ride used to take 1 hour, and gave ample opportunities to both of them to discuss their joys and sorrows with each other.

Ginny considered their friendship as sacred. She knew that she had got a good friend, whom she should not trouble at any cost. Cathy too shared this view.

Soon there was news that the firm was going to hire some new workers, and the current workers can bring in their friends, and relatives who may be hired. Cathy knew one girl, Tina, who lived near-by her house and was looking out to work somewhere. Cathy spoke to her when she got to her home, and then next day Tina too came to the firm to apply for the job. Fortunately, she was hired on the same day, and told to come to work from next day onwards.

Tina joined the firm next day, and Cathy introduced her to Ginny. Ginny was impressed by Tina's personality and was happy that such a good person has joined the firm. As it was her first day, she helped Tina in whatever way she could, to get her familiar with the work. In the evening, Ginny asked Cathy to drop Tina to her house, as both of them stayed near-by to each other. Ginny had no problem in going by the local bus. She had been used to it for along time.

Soon Tina became an integral part of the firm. Everybody liked her serene nature, and she made many friends in short time. Still she did not forget the help given to her by Cathy and Ginny, and used to spend time regularly with them.

After some time, Ginny began to notice a change in Cathy's behavior. She started leaving early in the evening, and won't even ask Ginny as to what time will she leave, and could she give a drop to him. Ginny also noticed that Tina accompanies Cathy more often to her home. When Ginny asked Cathy about this behavior of hers, Cathy smiled and said “It’s between us. We both are good friends, and there are some things that we cannot share with anybody.” Ginny was surprised with this response, but did not respond. After all, he thought, Cathy is happy with her new friend, and that is what Ginny wanted.

But soon Ginny found out that she did not have time to speak to Cathy. During the day, both were busy with their work, and the evening ride, that was the time when they could speak to each other, was no more existent. Ginny started feeling depressed about it, and felt that there was no point in speaking to Cathy anymore. When Cathy will greet her in the morning, she would not reply to her properly, pretending to be extremely busy. Then in the evening too, when Cathy will come to say good-bye to her before leaving to her home, Ginny made it a habit to go to some-body else’ workplace, so that Cathy won’t find her.

The one day suddenly Cathy came to Ginny during working hours. Ginny could not believe that Cathy has come to meet her, and not just to say good-morning or good-bye. Cathy looked very upset. Ginny asked her, “What happened to you? You look terribly upset.”

Cathy said, “You know Ginny. Yesterday I had to leave early. Some guests were expected at home, and I had to go and help my mother prepare dinner for them. So I could not wait for Tina to finish her work, and drop her. Now she is so angry with me that she has not spoken to me since morning. She even refuses to look at me. Is that how friends are? Till yesterday, she used to tell everybody that I am her best friend at the firm. Does her speaking to me depends upon whether I drop her or not?”

Ginny knew her mistake immediately. She too had fallen in the same trap in which Tina has fallen. She too had stopped interacting with Cathy since she had stopped dropping her to home in the evening. The only difference between Ginny and Tina was that Tina had expressed how she felt, but Ginny had not.

Ginny now realized that he could still learn from Tina’s mistake. She will prove herself better than Tina. She will speak to Cathy, irrespective of whether she drops her home or not. She had finally learned a lesson from somebody else’ mistake.

The above narration is a real incident, to which I have been a witness. I hope Ginny, Cathy & Tina are listening...

"Malls threaten local market". Really?

It was nearly one year ago. I had read a piece of news in one of the national newspaper. This piece of news mentioned a mob consisting of local traders attacking a newly-opened shopping mall. The so-called leadership of this mob had proclaimed that they want to protect the local market from this western culture. (Click here to read a related article. I am not able to find the one which I read.)

The news made me wonder as to how a mall can threaten the local market. If the mall sells the items cheaper than the market, then it can endanger the existence of near-by shops. But again, the quality of the items matters. If the local shops sell good quality products, then the customers will continue to go to trusted shops. And in the end, competition is good for everybody.

It was not until many months later that I learnt the exact reason for this outburst from my mother. She told me the way traders and shop-keepers continue to cheat the customer. One of the easy way is to have the good-quality items displayed, in small quantities, at the front of the shop. When the customer decides to buy one of them, the shop-keeper goes inside the shop, where the larger stock is kept, and give it to the customer. The quality, of course, will not be the same. Another way, which is very popular among the fruits and vegetable vendors, is worth mentioning. If a piece is rotten, it is kept in such a way that the customer cannot see its rotten face, but the vendor can see it. Later, when the customer is selecting the best pieces and putting them on the weighing scale, the shop-keeper 'assists' the customer, and puts the rotten ones too, and then hurries to pack the entire lot, and hands it over to the customer.

Compared to this, in a shopping mall, the customer is not hurried by anybody, and s/he has enough time to select the best pieces available to him/her. The only demerit of a mall is that the customer has to wait in queue to pay the bill.

I don't know whether there is a future for another mall in that area. In the news item, to which link has been given, the State Govt. has requested the mall to be closed due to the disturbances caused in the area.

Thanksgiving

Yesterday we had a special team-lunch. The QA team in our organization had been declared as an independent body few months ago, but there had not been many occasions to get together on a personal front. All we had done earlier was to indulge in meetings that were meant to discuss pending issues and difficulties. But yesterday’s was a fun outing where the members got to know each other on a personal front rather than professional one.

We journeyed for around 20 minutes to a well-known restaurant, and sat down as a group (9 of us) on 2 tables that were placed next to each other for our convenience. As we were going through the starters, our QA Lead, Ravi, came up with a unique activity. He asked everyone to get up from their chair, walk up, and thank the person who has helped them most in the last one year. He also told that he should be counted out of this, and nobody should come and thank him.

Then followed what can be described as moment to remember, as each one of us went round the table and shook hand with the person who has helped us most in the past one year. One could see the joy on the person’s face who got up to thank, and an equal amount of satisfaction on the recipient’s face. This exercise gave all of us an insight into the helpful nature of people whom we know just as colleagues and professionals. The entire exercise lasted just 5 minutes but it had a huge impact on everybody present. Those who had helped others were much more motivated to continue to do so, and broaden their spectrum on this arena.

There was, however, one particular trait that came out of this exercise. If the person A was thanked by B and C, then A will invariably go to one of them to thank him/her in return. There was a mutual feeling of helping each other among the group. This reflects that well-known saying that what you give comes back many folds to you.

May be you too can try out in a team-meeting of yours. Do not get shocked if you get surprising results.

Customer Delight

Today I went to a road-side shop with my friend to buy a tender coconut. The shop-keeper was a lady, around 45 years of age. The shop was nothing but a pile of coconuts kept on a plastic carpet, under a shade. My friend ordered a coconut. The lady picked the one chosen by my friend, then sliced it enough so that the water within can be sipped using a straw, and handed it over to him. My friend sipped the delicious water, and then handed over the coconut back to her. She again sliced it open so that my friend can eat the content within. For eating that my friend had to use his hands. Once he was done, the lady opened a water bottle, and helped him wash his hands too. That was all over, and we walked away.

It was after some time that I realized the extra effort that lady had put to delight her customers. I have visited a lot of similar shops to buy tender coconut, but never I saw any shop-keeper offer water to customers to wash their hands. Every time, I had to wipe my hands clean with my kerchief.

How much effort does it take for giving water? But it makes a lot of difference…