As you sow, so you reap (Part 1)

" Oh God, my pencil is broken! Does anybody here has an extra pencil?"

Many faces turned towards the speaker, giving looks of disapproval. Kamal too saw the anxious face. He had a new pencil in his school-bag. His older pencil was now on the verge of extinction. Today morning he had taken out the new pencil, sharpened it carefully, and then packed it in a plastic case so that it does not get broken while he walked to school. He had been looking at the case during the first class. The thought of writing with a new pencil gave him immense joy.

Kamal looked at that boy again, who had sharpened his pencil, making it too small to hold. He was trying to write something, but it kept slipping out of the hand. The boy again looked around desperately hoping that somebody will lend him a pencil.

Kamal could not bear it anymore. He took out his new pencil, walked to the boy's seat, and quickly put the new pencil in front of the boy. He was surprised to see it, and turned round to say something. But at that moment the new teacher arrived, and Kamal slipped back to his seat.

He knew he will not get to write with a new pencil for few weeks now. And he now started to wonder why did he give the new pencil away...

Are we being made immune to help-requests?

Last week, I was in market with my colleague. As we were walking along the road, an old lady approached us and asked whether we could speak Telugu language. My colleague replied in positive. The following is the conversation that took place between both of them:

Woman: Can you help me?

Colleague: Yes, tell me aunt.

W: I have come from Vijayawada with my son & daughter-in-law. I had Rs. 4,000 with me. After coming here, both of them took the money on some purpose, and went away. They have not come back. I believe they have cheated me out of money. I only have Rs. 100 with me and want to go to Vijayawada. Can you help me?

Though I am not fluent in telegu, I could understand what the woman said. I alerted my colleague in english to not to give her money before verifying the truth.

C: Aunt, there is a temple near-by. You can go there and enquire because they do help the people who are in-need.

W: No, no. They wont help me. You can, however, help me by giving the bus-fare amount.

C: No, aunt. The temple-priest will help you. Go, and approach them.

W: GO TO HELL.


It was not for the first time when I have been a witness to such an incident. I have been fooled earlier a earlier by a phony story, and many of my aquantances too have similar incidents to narrate.

The amount of money that is lost in such cases is not much. However, there is a concern here. Such incidents makes us immune /insensitive to the requests that call for genuine help. And, I don't know what will happen to me when I am in need of genuine help in middle of the road. Will anybody stop to listen?

The meeting, & the wet cloths

It had rained heavily. Neha knew that she had made a mistake by walking to her office in the rain. The small umbrella was not enough to protect her from this downpour. Many times, it had almost blew out of her hand.

After reaching office, she glanced at her watch to find out that she was just in time for the important meeting. She came to her seat, and caught her friend's eye, who saw her dripping clothes.

"You will fall ill, Neha! And how can you sit for the meeting with those wet cloths? Come, I will take you to your home in my car. You can change your cloths there. Your house is so near-by, it will hardly take fifteen minutes."

"No, its OK. I can manage. I have a hand-towel in my bag. I will go to the wash-room and dry myself. We will see after the meeting", she replied.

She felt slightly better after drying herself and went to meet her manager who told her that the client for the meeting will be arriving in few minutes. He will send for her when they arrive. She came back to her seat, only to find that her friend is standing there with her hands on her hips & glaring eyes.

"You are a crazy girl! Don't sit with these wet cloths. Come let's go."

She persuaded her friend to wait till the meeting is over, as it would last just ten-fifteen minutes. She did not want to miss it.

Half-an-hour passed, and there was no news from her manager. Her friend was standing behind her once again. "Are you coming with me, or shall I ask your manager for 15 minutes leave?"

Neha was now forced to go to her manager. Even as she knocked at his door, she saw the clients coming in. They themselves were slightly wet due to the rain. The meeting started, and was over within half-an-hour. She came back to her seat. She wanted to capture the minutes-of meeting before her friend drags her out of her seat. Once done, she e-mailed the same to her manager, and other attendees. She then waited for her friend. She knew that if she did not change her cloths soon, she may fall ill. She was thankful for having such a good friend who cared so much for her.

Many minutes passed and her friend did not come to call her again. She stared at the light bulb above her. 'Great person. All the time she ate my head to change my cloths, & when I am ready, she does not come.'

' Why do you forget that when she cared for you, you gave priority to your work And now when she is giving priority to her work, you are cribbing !', the lamp said to her.

Waiting for a call that did not come (Part 4)

In the evening, they went down the hill to climb it on-foot. This was a part of the pilgrimage. He asked his sister to click a photo of himself before he started climbing.

‘I want to see how I look before and after the climb. Will I be able to smile after climbing three-thousand steps?’ he asked himself.

In the beginning, it all seemed to be too easy. But as the ascent increased, the steps became steeper. The sultry weather made them sweat profusely. His sister was taking frequent rests, as her husband coaxed and encouraged her.

Soon he had climbed more than a thousand steps. His shirt was dripping with sweat. He had to sit down to catch his breath And it was then he once again remembered about the call.

'If he calls me now, I may not be able to talk to him. I should catch my breath first. I will also tell him that this climb is not easy.'

He prayed for his friend and moved on. There were other pilgrims who were climbing along with him. And soon, they became all familiar faces. Many times he overtook them. And when he sat down to take little rest, they will overtake him, smiling at him, proud of themselves that they are better than him. But soon, he will get up and start climbing, and they will watch him skip ahead of them. This game went on for many minutes, and finally the steepness of the steps decreased! The way ahead was not so steep. He bought a water bottle, and drank to celebrate the milestone. He noticed that a deer park was now visible on the left-side of the steps.

There were few deers watching the pilgrims behind the fence. Many people stopped at that spot to take rest, and entertain themselves with the deers. They were offered eatables which were lapped up eagerly. He sat watching this scene, and made a mental note to tell his friend too.

He continued climbing. As he had left his sister behind, he received an SMS from her to wait. He sat down at a comfortable place, and looked around. It was almost twilight now. The shadows on the hill were becoming darker. As he glanced through the landscape around him, he noticed the water-bottles thrown in by the devotees.

“On one side we have come for pilgrimage. On the other side, we spoil the God’s creation, the Nature itself, by piling up plastic wastes”. He felt bad about it, but could not find any dust-bin nearby where those bottles could have been thrown.

He sat waiting, and thought about his friend. He had not called yet. What could be the reason? Has he forgotten his promise? Or he does not care now that his work was already done. Tears welled up in his eyes as the face of his friend swam before him. He wiped them out before his sister arrived at the spot.

He was surprised to see that at certain spots, they had to actually climb down steps even though they were going up the hill. His brother-in-law told him that it happened because they were moving from one hill to another. Soon they were again climbing up.

They finished the climb in three and a half hours. It was pretty dark. He asked his sister to click another photo of himself. Then they went back to the guest house where they were staying.

He was tired and his legs were aching. As he lied down on the bed, he thought about his friend. He now knew that the call he had been waiting for will not come.

Any task that is on-hand should be done with single-minded concentration. Thinking of something else not only prevents one from enjoying the current task, but also takes away focus. Living in the present moment is most important. And on a pilgrimage, it is foolish to be thinking of something else other than God.

It was a tough lesson that he learned over 24 hours of suffering.

Waiting for a call that will not come (Part 3)

When his eyes opened, it was broad daylight. The bus was entering a town, the name of which he could not read as he did not know the local language. Soon, the bus reached a bus-station, and almost everybody got down along with their luggage. Figuring out that this must be his destination too, he stepped out of the bus. After inquiring at the Inquiry office, he realized that he has to take one more bus to complete his journey.He called his sister, and updated her about his status.

Then he stared at the phone for many minutes. Will his friend call now? He considered calling his friend, but then decided not to. Since it was a Sunday, his friend might get up late. He did not want to disturb him. Still his mind remained clouded with his thoughts. Will he call, and ask him where had he reached? Did he eat something? Did he face any problem in a place where he did not know the language?

‘He will call. Just wait.’ He said to himself.

He sat in the bus that will take him to Tirumala. As the bus began the climb, he was reminded of his previous visit to a hill station. He looked out of the window. The city of Tirupati was spread out on the plain below the hill. It was a beautiful sight.

He reached the Tirumala town at 9:30 am. His sister was to arrive two hours later, and he had that much time to kill. The first task was to find a place to have breakfast. He found a public tap where he brushed his teeth & washed his face. Then, he located a small shop and ordered flavoured milk & bread. The taste of the milk was foreign to him, and ended up spoiling the taste in his mouth.

‘When he calls me, I will remember to tell him that flavoured milk here is not good’, he made a mental note.

He spent rest of the waiting time, praying to God, and watching the children of the pilgrims around him. They were running around the place, trying to catch each other. And then their mother will shout at them to come back to her. They will come back reluctantly, only to run away once her focus shifted to something else.

Soon his sister arrived, and he joined her. And for the first time, he forgot about the call.

Waiting for a call that may not come (Part 2)

His neck ached due to constant strain. The seat had turned out not to be too comfortable after all. When he could not sleep, he prayed to God. He felt he will not sleep at all. Still, he closed his eyes, covered them with a blanket to avoid the occasional streak of light coming from street-lamps.

It was difficult to say how long he slept, but when his eyes opened, he knew it was not because of the uncomfortable position he was in. The bus was standing still. There was no sound whatsoever. He could hear only the crickets out there, chirping at night.

‘May be the bus-driver & conductor have gone for refreshments’, he thought. He lied down more comfortably now, across three seats, and he knew he will be able to sleep now.

However, it was not to be a night for good sleep. His eyes opened again. The bus had not moved at all. He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness, and then he could see a small building in front of the bus. Other passengers in the bus were sleeping soundly.

‘How long do they take to finish their refreshments?’ he thought.

It was time to investigate. He got down from the bus. What he thought was small building, turned out to be a lorry. The bus-driver was lying down on the road, as if he is relaxing.

“There has been an accident ahead, sahib. There is big traffic jam. We cannot continue till the road ahead is cleared”, the bus driver told him

“Doesn’t matter.” He said to himself, and came back to his seat to sleep. After some time, the bus–engine roared to life. The road ahead was finally clear, and he was travelling again. He checked his cellphone. The phone-call had not yet come.

(To be continued...)

Waiting for a call that may come (Part 1)

It was Saturday evening, and the traffic on the road was not much. He reached the bus station, around 9 pm. He was scheduled to catch a bus to Tirupati. His ticket was booked for a luxury bus that was due to depart at 11:30 pm.

As he reached the bus station, he saw half a dozen buses already waiting to depart to Tirupati. Numerous bus-conductors were shouting to attract passengers to their respective buses. From far anyone would have thought that they were having an argument with each other. He smiled at this scene, politely refusing few conductors who asked him to get into their bus.

The buses were also of different types; some were with standard seats, which could be boarded with any prior reservation ; whereas others were luxury buses, have more comfortable seats, which could be pulled back to make you more comfortable. But traveling close to 6 hours in such buses was still a difficult task, as there is not much room for one to stretch his body.

It was time for dinner. Even as he wondered what to eat, he remembered what had happened earlier in the day. One of his sisters had offered to pack his dinner (rice & sambhar). He had refused the offer. But now he felt grateful to her for her concern. He sought out a small eatery, and ate the same items she had offered, thinking about her & praying for her well-being all the time.

He waited for the phone-call. He had had a conversation with his friend recently. His friend had expressed his thanks to him for the help that he had rendered to him. The friend also told him that he will call him soon. And, now, his friend may call him, ask him whether he had his dinner or not, whether he reached the bus-station in time or not, and so many other things. He knew that there was a possibility of his friend not calling him, but he waited.

He rested himself on a push-cart waiting for the bus. ‘Amazing place,’ he thought, ’Throughout the 24 hours, there is so much activity that it looks like people here never go to sleep.’ There was a big queue of the buses at the exit gate. For no apparent reason, the bus which was at the gate will stop & wait for more passengers. This would frustrate the other bus-drivers behind, and they will honk non-stop. And once that bus leaves, the one coming behind it will follow suit.

Even as he watched this commotion, he saw his bus arrive. He got into it, and confirmed his reservation with the conductor. Soon, he had settled down on his luxurious, push-back seat. The conductor informed him that the seat next to him is not booked by anybody. Even as he rejoiced over the extra space he now had to stretch himself during the long journey, an old man arrived and sat next to him. A casual conversation indicated that he had just boarded the bus, as it was less crowded compared to other buses, and had better seats. He realized that he had celebrated too early.

The bus took 30 minutes to break free out of the congested exit gate. His co-passenger had shifted to another seat, so that he could he could have the adjacent seat to himself . He closed his eyes as the bus sped through the minimal traffic of the city. And he still waited for the call. His friend would ask him whether he caught the bus or not. Was he feeling cold? Did he have a good-enough blanket to cover himself at night? Is the seat comfortable enough to sleep?

(To be continued...)

Childhood Dreams (Continuation from my previous post)

As I mentioned in my previous post, all the attendees had listed down the lessons that they had learned from the Randy Pausch video. This was just the first part of the session. In a consecutive session, that was held following week, the attendees were asked to write down their childhood dreams. The coordinator then listed out the passions that are hidden behind those dreams. Then the participants were divided into pairs. Each individual in a pair had to ask the following questions from his/her partner.

• What was your childhood dream?
• Which passion did the dream drive? (Select from the list given)
• Are you still passionate about your dream?
• If no, what are you passionate about today?
• What are you doing to bring your dream to become a reality?

Once everybody had the answers from his/her partner, they were asked to speak about it to the audience. In addition to the above questions, they were asked to answer two more questions:

• What have you learned so far in your journey to fulfill your dream?
• How can your employer help you in achieving your dream?

As the participants started speaking about their dreams, everybody started listening, and joined the discussion as to how the organization could help in achieving them. Participants also pointed out some reasons as to why no progress was ever made in realizing some of the dreams:

1. Some dreams were not structured and properly defined. For example, one participant said that his dream was to see heaven while still alive. He was asked whether he has defined what heaven means to him.

2. Some dreams were already realized but the dreamer himself did not know it. For example, one participant wanted to become a scientist, as he wanted to invent something new and useful to mankind. Then he was reminded that he had already developed a process within the organization that is being used by many and as it increased their productivity.

Participants also realized as to how they can help each other to achieve their childhood dreams. The management team too made note as to what the employees want to achieve and promised that appropriate opportunities will be provided for them.

In all, the session was a success.

Do you remember your childhood dreams? Are you still passionate about them? Share them with your manager. May be he too can help you out to achieve them.

Ask others what they have learnt

In my company, we have a program called "Wissendock" ('wissen' in german means knowledge). This session acts as a platform for the employees to enhance their knowledge in various dimensions, including carreer, personality development, technology etc. Experts from various fields are also invited on a regular basis to our premises to share their thoughts and perspectives. The program has been a success since its inception, and employees look forward eagerly to this weekly session.

Last week we had a screening of the video of a speech,"Achieving Your Childhood Dreams", delivered by Randy Pausch. During the lecture, Randy speaks about the dreams that he had as a child, and how he set about achieving each one of them.

We have had many Wissendock sessions. But rarely we asked each other what they had learnt. So this time we went one step further. At the end of the session, all the attendees were asked to share what they had learnt from the video. Most of us were able to capture only one or two tips from the video. But when we listed the lessons learned by everybody, everyone was able to take back much more with him/her.

There were many notable lessons that the attendees pointed out. But one lesson that I took away was:

"Always ask people what they learned during the session. They may point out something critical that I might have missed. In this way I leverage the attention that they have paid to the speaker."

More on the lessons learnt in next post.

Love in relationship is a "decision"

My friend Priyadharshini sent me an article entitled "Am I with the right partner?" The article has some important insights.

A google search found me links to the blogs where this article has been already published. Hence I do not wish to publish it again, but will highlight the two important lessons that the article aims to teach.

1. Love in relationship is a "decision"... not just a feeling.

This sentence may contradict the myth of 'love-at-first-sight', but it is very true. When we fall in love with a person, we decide to ignore his/her short-comings. That's why, "love is blind".

2. The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it's learning to love the person you found.

Yes, nobody ever finds the ideal partner in life (it happens only on TV). We learn to adjust with the one whom we have found.

The article can be read here.

How to get help requests in the areas of your strength

Last week I had an opportunity to watch a video entitled "The Fulcrum Effect" by Rajesh Setty. It turned out to be not just a relaxation from routine work, but also a virtual classroom where I learnt quite a few lessons.

Amongst other points that Rajesh makes in the video, one that I found very unique was "How to get help requests in the areas of your strength, & how to say 'no' to people who ask you for help in areas in which you are not strong". He elucidates that a lot of research has been done to find out as to what is the best way to say 'no' to such requests, and there are 5 steps in which 'no' can be said.


1. Acknowledge the request: Get the confirmation as to in which area you are being asked for help. Ensure that help is not being asked in the area of your strength.

Example: If your friend asks you to review the manuscript of the book he plans to publish, then confirm whether he wants you to do just the proof-reading, or more than that.

2. Refuse politely: Say "No" in plain and simple words: "Sorry, I can't do that."

3. Explain: Give explanation as to why you can't help the person. Be truthful.

Example: Tell your friend that you are not a writer, and hence not suitable for the job.

4. Provide options: Give the person another source from where he/she can get the help.

Example: Refer your friend to someone else you know who has a good reputation for his/her writing skills.

5. State your area of strength: Inform the requester about the area in which you welcome requests for help.

Example: Tell your friend that if he wanted help in making a presentation, you would be glad to help.

If you follow the above steps, you not only empower yourself to use your time more productively, but also benefit others.

(a) You don't waste your time doing something that you are not good at.
(b) You inform your friend about the areas of your strength. This way, he will come to you when he needs help in those areas. You will then work in those areas, and become even more stronger.
(c) Your friend finds the right source for the help he requires.
(d) The person who helps your friend becomes stronger in the area of his strength.
(e) Your friendship does not suffer even though you did not help your friend.

The video has many more such insights, and it is highly recommended for everybody. The DVD is available here.

Two essential ingredients to make a speech successful

I had gone to a meeting during the last weekend. The meeting was about a cultural program that was being planned to be put up in front of a large audience. There were various aspects of the program that were touched upon by different speakers during the meeting.

Speaker 1: He welcomed the audience, and introduced the agenda for the meeting. He also set the stage for the next speaker, introducing him to the audience, and initiating the subject on which he was to speak.

Speaker 2: He spoke about the objective of the cultural program, and what role each of us, in general, will be playing the program. The audience appreciated his speech, and the tempo was set for the allocation of tasks to the various members in the audience.

Speaker 3: The third speaker was not introduced well, and more so, his subject of speech was not mentioned by anybody. He started well, and spoke with fervour & enthusiasm, but most of what he said was already known to the audience. He used a Power-point presentation, and out of the 15 (approx) slides, only 3 had the information that was new to many in the audience. Once he was through these three slides, the audience lost interest. They started watching what the others were doing, and hardly anybody paid much attention to him.

Speaker 4:He did a great job. As the audience comprised of people from 2 different groups, he broke the ice between the groups by making amusing, but not insulting, comments about either group to keep the audience interested. Finally, he also allotted the tasks to various individuals in the audience and achieved the objective of the meeting.

As the meeting concluded, I picked up two points about public-speaking:

Important ingredients to make a speech successful, among others, includes:
(a) Knowing your audience.
(b) Repairing the damage done by previous speaker.

Speaker 3 ignored the first point, whereas Speaker 4 realised that he has to take the second point also into consideration.

As I was leaving the venue, I saw Speaker 4 being congratulated for his eloquent speech by many.

How do you feel after being through TOUGH times?

" So, how do you feel when you have to go through all this?", my friend asked. I was forced into a silence of a few seconds, which my friend took as a cue to continue speaking. " Must be tough, isn't it?"

It was definitely tough. The 'all this' term referred to the downturn which the company I work in has been facing due to the economic slow-down. There have been plenty of lay-offs, at the top level as well as the levels below. I was just fortunate enough not to be asked to leave. Nevertheless, it was heart-breaking to see all the talented people who we had hired many months ago leaving us in a matter of days. I received the mails that inform me about the employee who is leaving, as I had to disable their login accounts in an in-house application. These mails had piled up in my inbox. And each time I saw these mails, I felt an uncomfortable silence within me. I begin to wonder as to when a similar mail will be sent from HR with my name being the center of attraction. Of course, I won't be receiving it.

"Yes , it has been really unfortunate period for us." was my reply.

And then came the question which made me think in a new dimension. He asked, "Then tell me, how was it when you were hiring a lot of people? How you used to feel at that time?"

It was obvious. " I used to feel happy that the company is growing."

It dawned on me then. I have been through a phase when there were only 8 people in the organization. (Yes, I was the eighth employee in my organization.) And now we are more in number, after facing the downturn. We have more visibility in market, and more products to showcase than ever. We have more revenue than we had at that time. More than that, we have more EXPERIENCE than we had at that time.

I can compare the current situation to what we were before the economic slow-down, and feel sorry about it. Or I can compare it to what we were when I had joined here, and feel proud of what I had gained.

Finally, I said to my friend , "I feel much tougher at being through the tough times."

Quotes on life

My friend Vikas recently sent me few quotes, which I found to be very inspiring. These quotes make one accept the reality & help prepare for tough times that everyone inevitably goes through in life.


Though most of these quotes are very popular, it is worth reading them once again & assure ourselves that whatever we are doing, we are on our journey to achieve the goal that we have set for ourselves.

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Success:

Without your involvement you can't succeed. With your involvement you can't fail.

What is the secret of Success... ?
"Right Decisions"
How do you make Right Decisions... ?
"Through Experience"
How do you get Experience.. . ?
"While making wrong decisions in the past..! “
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Strength:

If you know the strength and patience, welcome the company of trees.
- Hal Borland

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Actions:

You are not responsible for what people think about you. But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you.
-Stanley Ferrard

Don't make promise when you are in Joy . Don't reply when you are Sad. Don't take decisions when you are Angry.

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Happiness:

The happiest people do not necessarily have the best of all. They simply appreciate what they find on their way.

Write your Sad times in Sand. Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw

Easy to receive. Difficult to give.

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Love:

It's better to lose your Ego to the one you Love, than to lose the one you Love because of Ego.
-John Keats

Easy to say we love. Difficult to demonstrate it every day.

A man is lucky if he is the first love of a Woman. A woman is lucky if she is the last love of a man.
- Charles Dickens

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Are you moving away from your friends?

Recently I had gone to Agra for some personal work. I had done my  schooling there & had a lot of friends at that time. That was 13 years ago. So this time I wished to catch up with my old friends. After a little struggle, I was able to meet one of my friends, Satya. 

Satya, as I remember, was a typical guy. He had lots of friends, including me. But I was not his best friend as we had lot of differences too between us. Nevertheless, it was good to see him again, & we chatted for a couple of hours catching up on each other.

Satya told me that he had lost many friends in the past years as many had moved out of Agra for further studies or some other reason. It was a very painful for him to see his friends go away. Finally he decided not have close friends any more. He had stopped calling his friends for casual chats, and refused to meet them during the weekends. He was feeling miserable at the moment, but thought he will get used to a life without close friends soon, and be his normal self once again. This he was doing to prevent himself from undergoing any more separation from his friends who may go away in the future.

I was really surprised to hear that Satya, who likes to be surrounded by friends, has decided to shun away from companionship. I could only admire his resolve to change his nature to such a great extent.

I contemplated on this during a long train journey back home couple of days later. I realised that there were certain flaws in his method to avoid pain.

1.Love thrives when people are in touch. By avoiding his friends, Satya himself is sending away his friends. This is causing pain to him already, and it is the same pain that he wishes to avoid.

2.He is sending away his friends who may stick with him for a long time, as they may not plan to leave place where they have spent so many years of their life.

3.He is causing pain to his friends by moving away from them without any apparent reason. His friends won’t know why he is avoiding them. And when they hear the truth, Satya may be looked upon as a person who is selfish & contacts others only when he requires help.

4.He will not be able to call anyone for help when he really needs it, because after some time his friends will start avoiding him too.

After doing the above analysis, I called up Satya to inform him what I had discovered and to ask him to stop this appproach. But he did not receive the call as he wished to avoid me.

The bread slices & jam sachet

Positive thinking can make one feel good or bad in same situation.

“Sir, your breakfast.”

Mohan put the newspaper down as the waiter put the breakfast tray in front of him. Next to him, Vinod was already opening his breakfast package.

“The food provided in Rajdhani Exp is really better than in other trains. Isn’t it?” asked Vinod.

“Yes” replied Mohan. He unwrapped the plain bread slices out of the covering. There was a bowl of Upma and one Vada with chutney. With the bread slices, a butter sachet, & a jam sachet were provided. He opened the jam sachet & applied the jam on a slice.

‘Why can’t they give enough jam so that it can be applied on both the slices? It is too less. Why such a small sachet’ thought Mohan sourly.

“Wow Mohan, did you see that?” exclaimed Vinod. “They have given such big slices of bread that one jam sachet is just not enough! We can consume one more jam sachet with this pair of bread slices.”

“........”

Madhav's Folly

An incident from a professional's life who was bored while sitting for the same presentation over & over again...

Madhav set the over-head projector on the table and checked the projection on the screen. It was fine. He then opened the powerpoint presentation and ran the entire slide-show once. Once he was satisfied, he sat on the corner chair, waiting for his senior Kishore to arrive & begin the presentation to the prospective clients.

Madhav had done very well in the last few months on his job. His manager had given him a good review of his work, and he did get a reasonable salary-hike. But the promotion that he wanted never came. He still wondered as to how long he will have to wait to get good designation under his name.

Reminiscence of the past were broken by the sound of the door opening. Madhav got up to greet Kishore, but was surprised to see the his manager walk in.

'Good morning sir. How are you doing? Are you too going to attend this sales presentation?'

'No Madhav.' his manager said. ' Kishore called me up just now. He is stuck in a heavy traffic jam due a political rally, and won't be here in time. Can you make the presentation? I will send the audience in.'

'What?' Madhav was aghast. 'I am not ready sir. I have not prepared for it.'

'Hey, come on Madhav. You have attended this presentation so many times. You don't need to prepare. Am I wrong?'

It was then Madhav realized his folly. He had sat through the presentation innumerable times. But he never listened to it. He knew all the jokes cracked by Kishore but he did not know in what context those jokes were told. He knew the sequence of all the slides. But he did not know what each slide exactly conveyed. For him, it was same old story told over & over again. But he never bothered to listen to that story. While Kishore was gave the presentation, he would browse the Internet on his laptop for the latest movie he wanted to watch, or the latest score of international cricket match involving India

And now, when there was a chance to prove to his manager that he was as good as Kishore in giving presentations, he was going to miss out. If only he would have been attentive earlier & given this presentation today, life was going to be different.

Madhav sat down on the chair with a heavy heart. Outside he could hear his manager speaking on the phone to audience apologizing for the postponement of the meeting.

Why we shout when we are angry?

I received the following gem from my sister Meenu. This is a great reading.

A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people shout at each other when they are upset?'

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, 'Because we lose our calm, we shout for that.'

'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why do you shout at a person when you're angry?'

Another answer came, ' By shouting we let out our frustration.'

But the saint was not satisfied. Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other through that great distance.'

The saint continued, 'What happens when two people are in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is very small... 'When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.'

MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.

'Am I egoistic?'

It was written all across his face that he was very happy. Vinod emptied the glass of water and then asked him, “I can tell by looking at your face that something has happened & now you are at truce with Sudha. Am I right?”

Ganesh sighed. “Yes. You are too good a psychologist. It was a bit of problem which we resolved finally. The last week’s fight was very bad. We were sleeping in separate rooms. And we were not on talking terms too. She prepared breakfast & lunch for me in the morning and then entered the bathroom, and won’t come out till I leave for office. When I come in the evening, food will be on the table, she will be sleeping in her room. But finally we started to miss each other. Yesterday I bought her favourite ice-cream, went to her room. She was pretending to sleep. But I forcefully woke her up, and gave the ice-cream. And rest is history. We apologised to each other and the same good old days are back now.”

“Good to hear that. I did not like your sullen & unshaven face last week” laughed Vinod.

“But I don’t understand one thing Vinod” Ganesh said. “I love Sudha more than my life. We have been married for many months now. We do have our small misunderstandings. But the day this misunderstanding came up, I started hating her. After our fight, she went to the living room to watch TV. She was watching her favourite comedy serial, and was laughing at those silly jokes made by the actors. But I was feeling very jealous inside myself. Seeing her laugh was making my blood boil. I wished that power goes off, or our TV goes out of order and she is not able to watch the serial. I wanted her to keep crying till she comes back to me. Similarly, when she was talking to the neighbour in the evening, she was enjoying her time. I just wanted to bash both their faces at that time. But after we made up last night, I wonder how could I have such ghastly thoughts about her? After all, I love her.”

Vinod continued to sip his juice as he smiled at Ganesh. “You mean you wished ill for Sudha when both of you were fighting?”

“Yes. Very much. And I am ashamed of it. Do you think I love her?”

“Tell me one thing” Vinod asked. “Whose was guilty of the argument? Was it your mistake or hers?”

“How does it matter Vinod? We apologised to each other & we are happy now. Everything has been forgiven.”

“Who apologised first? You or her?”

“It was me, “Ganesh said. “I took the ice-cream to her and said that I was sorry. She immediately responded by saying sorry.”

“You said sorry first even though it was not necessarily your mistake. Am I right?”

“Yes. May be I was wrong. May be not. But both of us apologised to each other.”

“Then you love her. No doubt about it. Love requires swallowing ones ego. You did that, though it was after few days. You love her. And she said sorry immediately after you apologised. So she loves you too.”

“Then why did I think of hurting her?”

“Ego.”

“Ego?”

“Yes ego. After you fought, it was your ego which demanded that Sudha cannot be happy without you. It wanted to hurt her. It always wants you to feel important. It wants to prove that you are such an important person in her life that she cannot remain happy even for a moment without you. It wanted to cut-off all other sources of her happiness, so that she depends only upon you for her happiness.”

“So you mean I am egoistic?”

“We all are, to some degree.”

“But just now you told I swallowed my ego? And proved that I really love her..!”

“Yes. You were egoistic when you thought of hurting her. Ego blinds us more than love. That’s why, even though you love Sudha, you wanted TV or the neighbour to go away. But later, love overcame ego. You decided to apologise. You took the first step. Love triumphed over ego.”

“I see...My God! I never thought that way” Ganesh said.

“You will get it. Think about it. When we love somebody we always say, ‘your happiness is my happiness’. Don’t we? But what happens when we fight or argue? Isn’t other’s happiness not our happiness at that point too? It is.”

“Then what happens?”

“Always remember, if 2 people, who say they love each other are having a fight, watch for the one who starts shouting first. When he starts shouting, his ego has overcome his love for the other person. The other person will not shout till his ego is hurt by the shouting from the first one.

“So you mean to say I need to overcome my ego?”

“You already did once. Next time, let it not take few days, but few hours. And going forward let it be few minutes.”

“You are right. Then I will not have to suffer so much.”

“I don’t know, who among you shouted first, and whose mistake was it overall. But I know, Sudha is lucky to have you as life-partner. You will ensure that the relationship lasts long.”

“Thanks Vinod” Ganesh chuckled.

“Still I wonder Ganesh. Why did not she approach you first to apologise?”

“...........”



(Based on a true incident.)

Four destructive phrases that should be avoided in discussions

After I wasted a weekend, as I mentioned in my last post, I did plan my next weekend in a much better manner. And it went well. What did not go well was the week after the weekend. I had a very big mis-understanding with one of my closest friends. There were lot of arguments & counter-arguments, and feelings were hurt. Fortunately, the fires have died down now & things are starting to become normal again.

When the mis-understanding first came up, I sat with my friend to discuss the issue. Many times these discussions became arguments. You may ask what is the difference in discussion & arguments in this case. What I saw was that we started the discussion with the purpose of resolving the issue. But during the discussion the attitude of the participants changed, & towards the end we were speaking to prove our point, to prove that one was right and other was wrong, and not to resolve the issue. As this happened again & again, I began to look for those word & phrases that changed a constructive discussion into a destructive argument. I came up with the following list:

1. Its not my problem (or 'it is your problem'): The best discussion buster. You can be assured that the moment one person uses this phrase, he indicates that he no longer feels he needs to do anything to resolve the issue. In fact, he feels that he does not have to do anything with the issue, and should not be dragged in the discussion to resolve the problem. The other person(s) is solely responsible to do the fire-fighting.

I have worked few good managers, and some not-so-good-managers in my workplace. The good managers never use this phrase during any discussion even when the issue is actually 'not their problem'. The not-so-good-managers tend to use this more often and put the blame on somebody else.

2. I am like that only: May not be a grammatically correct phrase, but I have heard it being used many times. When somebody says this, he means that he is not going to change his behaviour/actions to resolve the issue, or prevent it from cropping up later on. He does not want to change his nature. The other person has to work within this extra constraint and still resolve the problem. I have been defeated in many arguments by this phrase alone. I have a simple philosophy: Accept people as they are, and do not try to transform them. Instead, change yourself. And when somebody says this phrase to me, I cannot argue back as it goes against my policy!

3. What's the use?: This phrase may not be heard as often as the other two mentioned above, but is equally effective in creating bitterness between people. I told my friend about all the efforts I was making to bring our relationship back to normal, and he asked me, 'what's the use'? :-( I was expecting an appreciation for the efforts I was making, and such a question added insult to injury.

In addition to the above three, there is one more phrase that is used very commonly by many of us. This did not come up during the arguments with my friend, but I have observed its negativity very often.

4. I told you so!: Very commonly used, and very effective if you want to put somebody down. We all use it when at the 'right' time, when we know we were right all the way & the other person never listened to us, continued in his own way & finally tasted failure. I ask myself, do I really need to speak it out? Why don't I comfort him after his failure? All the effort he had put in has not borne the results he was looking for, and is disappointed. And, after his failure, he anyway realizes that I was right, and I had told him so.

There are many more phrases that can be destructive. If you know, please put them in the comments below.

A weekend wasted :-(

We all look forward top weekends, at least I do. And I wish my weekend to be more satisfying than the previous one. I had planned my weekend in advance this time. My plan was as follows:

1. Saturday: Travel with a colleague to a holy place outside the city, and have good outing.
2. Sunday: Helping my neighbour in packing the household luggage, as he was shifting to a new house.

I was pretty happy with this advance planning and knew that this weekend is going to be very satisfactory for me. Comes Saturday & all these plans went for a toss.

(a) Saturday: We had to leave at 5:30 am in the morning, but I got up from sleep only at 5:15 am. 15 minutes was never going to be sufficient to get ready and join the entire party with whom I was travelling. So Saturday's plan went down the drain.

(b) Sunday: My neighbour had organized for house-warming ceremony for the new house. It consisted of havan, (a ritualistic worship of the new house), lunch for the guests, and bhajans (singing of devotional songs). I had received an itinerary of the program, but I did not bother to read it, thinking that all I knew was that he is shifting on Sunday, and that's all I need to know. But, due to this schedule, he spent entire day at the new house, taking care of the ceremony, and there was no packing & shifting. Again, my plan of spending a day fruitfully went in vain.

I made following observations after wasting my weekend:

1. I need to always have an alternate plan. (I usually have, but this weekend I did not, as everything was fixed & nothing seemed to have any possibility of going wrong. My colleague did go to the holy place, and my neighbour did shift his house).
2. Just because things do not go as we planned, we should not waste time ruing about it. (I confess that I spent my Saturday cursing myself that I did not get up early. This guilt consumed what could have been a wonderful Saturday for me.)

I have not yet planned for the coming weekend. But, this time I know it won't be this fruitless.