Do we lose our identity when we change ourselves?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine. (Let us call him Ram.) It was just a casual conversation. We were asking each other as to what is going on in other’s life. He mentioned that he had been through a rift with one of his friend, and had sorted it out earlier in the day by talking to her.

It popped out during their conversation that Ram's friend wanted him to change some of his ways of doing things. But Ram was reluctant to change. The reason, he cited, was very simple. According to him, if he changes himself, he will lose his identity, which he did not want to. If he changes himself for sake of just one person, he will not remain Ram. He will not be the same Ram whom people know. For all his friends, Ram stands for something; a particular type of behaviour, a particular way of speaking, walking, eating habits, and other dimensions that make up his personality. If he starts changing these traits, just because one person out of billions on this earth asked him to do so, is it really worth it?

The conversation ended at that and I was left thinking about what Ram had said. At times, others ask us to change our particular personality trait. At other times, we admire people around us, and we wish to become like them. I have personally experienced this situation. I used to admire one senior student in my college days (I still admire him today). He is very popular among people around him. He has a very good sense of humour, is very helpful, and a good singer too. He also meets everybody with enthusiasm, and has never been known to become angry. I wanted to inculcate the same personality traits in me and become as popular as him. I knew I cannot become a good singer overnight. But I thought I can copy his other traits and embed them into my personality. I did that & failed miserably. The reason being the difference between my nature and his nature. I realized that my way of approaching people is slightly different from the way he approaches others.

When Ram spoke to me, I was reminded of this failure of mine. Most of me agreed that he Ram has got it right, but somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew that I had missed something vital. I discussed this point with a colleague of mine. I know her as an open-minded person, & whom I admire for simplicity & clarity of thoughts. Thanks to her, I learned the following lessons:

• Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, we change; our personality changes regularly. We are not the same person what we were 6 months ago.
• If somebody has asked us to change a particular habit of ours, which means that he wants us to become a better person, and thus he cares for us. We should be thankful to that person to bring it to our notice.
• We should not hesitate to try. If we change that particular habit of ours, and other people around us give positive feedback about the change, the change is worth making. On the other hand, if the people around us say that they did not like the new change in us, we can revert back to what we were earlier (which will be very easy).
• When our friend sees that we changed after he has asked us to, he realizes that we value his words. In turn, he too starts giving value to our words.
• People around us see us as a more flexible and open-minded individual.

In conclusion, I would say, when we change our personality after somebody’s feedback, it is not that we become somebody else. But, our personality becomes better. Others may start liking us and then they may like to become like us. Overall, we gain more friends, and become more popular.

Ram….are you listening?

Helping a stranger -3

I have written about my encounters with strangers very often. This is another one in the chain. All of these encounters are similar in nature, where the person wanted some help, and the following one is no different.

I was walking after leaving the office, and then suddenly this man stopped me. He was well dressed, around 30, and had a confident air around him. He told me that his pocket had been picked earlier in the day, and he had no money to go ahead. He needed to go to the Main Bus Stand in Bangalore (fondly called as ‘Majestic’ by the local people here), and from there he wishes to go to his home. He also told that he was an IT professional, working in a well-known company, and he will return my money.

The story was OK so far. But when he asked me to give Rs. 60 for the fare, I was a bit surprised. I told him that if he needed to go to Majestic, he needed just Rs. 10 as bus-fare. And if he wishes to go somewhere else from Majestic, still the bus-fare will not exceed more then another Rs.10. So, I gave him Rs. 20 as the total bus-fare for his journey. He thanked me & moved on his way. I moved ahead on my path. And then it struck me!

He had told that he had lost his identity card too. In Bangalore, most of the companies issue identity card so big, that it will not fit into a wallet. Secondly, most of the employees wear the identity card at home before starting to office, and take it out only after they are back at home at the end of the day. There was no way this man would have lost his identity card. So, I concluded, his entire story was phoney.

And at last, I concluded, I have been cheated by him ………………..of Rs 20.