Do we lose our identity when we change ourselves?

Recently I had a conversation with a friend of mine. (Let us call him Ram.) It was just a casual conversation. We were asking each other as to what is going on in other’s life. He mentioned that he had been through a rift with one of his friend, and had sorted it out earlier in the day by talking to her.

It popped out during their conversation that Ram's friend wanted him to change some of his ways of doing things. But Ram was reluctant to change. The reason, he cited, was very simple. According to him, if he changes himself, he will lose his identity, which he did not want to. If he changes himself for sake of just one person, he will not remain Ram. He will not be the same Ram whom people know. For all his friends, Ram stands for something; a particular type of behaviour, a particular way of speaking, walking, eating habits, and other dimensions that make up his personality. If he starts changing these traits, just because one person out of billions on this earth asked him to do so, is it really worth it?

The conversation ended at that and I was left thinking about what Ram had said. At times, others ask us to change our particular personality trait. At other times, we admire people around us, and we wish to become like them. I have personally experienced this situation. I used to admire one senior student in my college days (I still admire him today). He is very popular among people around him. He has a very good sense of humour, is very helpful, and a good singer too. He also meets everybody with enthusiasm, and has never been known to become angry. I wanted to inculcate the same personality traits in me and become as popular as him. I knew I cannot become a good singer overnight. But I thought I can copy his other traits and embed them into my personality. I did that & failed miserably. The reason being the difference between my nature and his nature. I realized that my way of approaching people is slightly different from the way he approaches others.

When Ram spoke to me, I was reminded of this failure of mine. Most of me agreed that he Ram has got it right, but somewhere at the back of my mind, I knew that I had missed something vital. I discussed this point with a colleague of mine. I know her as an open-minded person, & whom I admire for simplicity & clarity of thoughts. Thanks to her, I learned the following lessons:

• Change is inevitable. Whether we like it or not, we change; our personality changes regularly. We are not the same person what we were 6 months ago.
• If somebody has asked us to change a particular habit of ours, which means that he wants us to become a better person, and thus he cares for us. We should be thankful to that person to bring it to our notice.
• We should not hesitate to try. If we change that particular habit of ours, and other people around us give positive feedback about the change, the change is worth making. On the other hand, if the people around us say that they did not like the new change in us, we can revert back to what we were earlier (which will be very easy).
• When our friend sees that we changed after he has asked us to, he realizes that we value his words. In turn, he too starts giving value to our words.
• People around us see us as a more flexible and open-minded individual.

In conclusion, I would say, when we change our personality after somebody’s feedback, it is not that we become somebody else. But, our personality becomes better. Others may start liking us and then they may like to become like us. Overall, we gain more friends, and become more popular.

Ram….are you listening?

Helping a stranger -3

I have written about my encounters with strangers very often. This is another one in the chain. All of these encounters are similar in nature, where the person wanted some help, and the following one is no different.

I was walking after leaving the office, and then suddenly this man stopped me. He was well dressed, around 30, and had a confident air around him. He told me that his pocket had been picked earlier in the day, and he had no money to go ahead. He needed to go to the Main Bus Stand in Bangalore (fondly called as ‘Majestic’ by the local people here), and from there he wishes to go to his home. He also told that he was an IT professional, working in a well-known company, and he will return my money.

The story was OK so far. But when he asked me to give Rs. 60 for the fare, I was a bit surprised. I told him that if he needed to go to Majestic, he needed just Rs. 10 as bus-fare. And if he wishes to go somewhere else from Majestic, still the bus-fare will not exceed more then another Rs.10. So, I gave him Rs. 20 as the total bus-fare for his journey. He thanked me & moved on his way. I moved ahead on my path. And then it struck me!

He had told that he had lost his identity card too. In Bangalore, most of the companies issue identity card so big, that it will not fit into a wallet. Secondly, most of the employees wear the identity card at home before starting to office, and take it out only after they are back at home at the end of the day. There was no way this man would have lost his identity card. So, I concluded, his entire story was phoney.

And at last, I concluded, I have been cheated by him ………………..of Rs 20.

Attend to others' need first...

This happened a couple of weeks back. I went to a shop to buy a loaf of bread. There were quite a few customers already and I could make out that I will have to wait at least 5-6 minutes before my turn comes.

'Why not take out money in the mean-time...' was the thought that crossed my mind. I acted upon it and was ready with the exact change in my hand in a few seconds. As I lazily stood at the counter, waiting for my turn to come, I placed my hand holding the money on the front-desk. The shop-keeper, who had gone inside to fetch some items for other customers, came back to the counter with his hands full. He kept all the items on the front-desk. Next he took the money from my hand as he asked what I wanted. I told, and got the bread-loaf immediately.

As I walked away, I heard a customer grumbling that he had arrived before me but he has not been served yet. The shopkeeper started attending to that person next.

Lesson learnt: Attend to others' need first, and your needs will be addressed by them without asking.

Normally, we first select the item to purchase, and then we pay for it. But if we show the money first, and then place the order, the delivery is faster.

A stranger hurt on the road...

Traffic is one of the most spoken-about problems in Bangalore. Generally it takes around 20 minutes to travel a distance of 2 kms within the city limits. More traffic also means more road accidents. I walk around 2 kms daily from my home to office. And in a span of 7 days, I am a witness to at least one accident, unfortunately.

A day ago, I just saw a young woman (well-dressed, indicating that she was working) sitting on the road, grimacing with pain. Apparently, a 2-wheeler had just hit her, though not severely, seconds ago. I think she was hit on her leg as she was holding her leg with both hands. She did not seem to be seriously injured at all, but she was not getting up. I thought of helping her, and took a step towards her. And then following thoughts crossed my mind:

1. What will she think?

(In India, if a man approaches a woman, it is not taken with a good node by the people around. They immediately jump to conclusion that the man is trying to attract/impress/flirt with the girl. This prompts the women to evade any approach by a man, even if it is for a good purpose.)

2. What will others think?

(I always think of myself as a person who does not bother what others have to say, if I know that I am on the right path. Today it proved to be false. I do think what others think about me. I know that I need to come out of this groove; I will definitely work towards it.)

3. Will I have to shell-out some money if I take her to hospital, even for a superficial check-up?

(Money is a constraint for me these days. But I hope this can change over time when I can afford to help other financially in a similar situation.)

4. Can I explain her that I am there to help her & mean no harm?

(I am not a native of Bangalore & do not know the local language. And it will need some effort to learn it. Right now its not a high priority for me as I am concentrating more on my career.)

Above thoughts clouded my mind so much that I retraced my steps and continued on my way to office. There was one question; however which was answered by me:

What would have I done if the woman was my sister?

I know I could have gone ahead and help the person. But looks like I am yet to evolve…

Sometimes we have to pay to help others

The other day when I arrived at my office in the morning, I saw a young-one of a Squirrel lying on the ground near the office building. It had fallen from its nest, which was located on a ventilator on the 3rd floor of the building next to our office. Soon many of my colleagues arrived and all of us felt pity for it. It was helpless, and leaving it there would mean death for sure as crows or ants will finally get to it. We told our office caretaker to shift it back to the nest. It was not an easy task as he had to go to the next building, take the required permission, and then put the creature in the nest. He agreed to do so, and then I came back to my place to start my daily work-routine.

Hours flew by, and it was time for tea-break. As I passed through the same place, I saw that the little squirrel was still there where it had fallen. I enquired the office care-taker about it. He told that he had put it back in the nest, but the young-one had fallen once again from its nest..! This was a surprise. Other colleagues heard it too, and we all asked the care-taker to put it back once again. He agreed to do so, but we could feel the reluctance in his voice.

The young squirrel was still lying on ground after an hour. When we came to know about this, my colleague Aravind Bhat hit upon a plan. He told the office care-taker that he will give Rs.100 to him if he puts the young squirrel in the nest. Needless to say, the young creature was back in its nest within short time.

Lesson for me: Having compassion is not enough. Sometimes we have to pay to help others.

Helping a stranger -2

I have the habit of walking to my office from home in the morning, and back in the evening. I enjoy this as not only this gives some exercise after continuously sitting in my chair for hours, but also gives me solid 30 minutes when I am alone, & can reflect on my actions at the end of the day, and plan for the next day.

Two weeks ago as I was walking to my home in the evening, I heard a couple asking the passers-by whether he/she can understand Hindi or Marathi language. (Bangalore's local language is Kannada.) Since I knew Hindi, I stopped and asked them what is the problem.

The man told that he came to visit Bangalore with his family (which included his wife, child, and his father). His father is not mentally sound, and during the day time, he got down at some bus-stop while they were travelling in a local bus. Unfortunately, the money that they were carrying is in the bag that is carried by father. So now they were penniless, and were hungry. He asked whether I can arrange for their dinner.

As is my nature, I took pity on them and I told them to follow me to the near-by restaurant. I decided to spend around Rs.50-60 (US $ 1-1.5) for the dinner of the entire family. As we were walking, the man said it will be a greater help to them if I could sponsor their bus-fare, because ultimately they will need that. Without giving much thought, I gave them Rs.100 (US $2). That will not be enough for them, but I could not afford more than that.

As I walked to my house, I was still wondering whether it was a right thing to do.

The real surprise came next day evening. At the same spot where I had found the couple, I saw another couple asking the same questions to the passing-by people. Again I stopped to listen to them. The story was pretty similar, only thing that was different was that this time they had lost their money by the way of a pick-pocket. I was not sure whether the story was true. This couple too asked me for food. This time I decided not to give them cash. I took them to a near-by restaurant, bought the food-coupons worth Rs. 60, and then handed over to them.

As I walked home, I felt slightly better than the previous day.

Next day I discussed these 2 incidents with my colleagues. And to my utter dismay, I was told that there is a gang of people who collect money in this manner. And, some of my colleagues did fall prey to them as I did...

Audit teaches me a lesson

Recently we had a Quality Audit conducted in our organization in order to become an ISO certified company. This audit was conducted by external auditors. Almost everyone in the organization was aware of the dates well in advance. But when the audit date arrived, there was a sense of panic on every face. Everybody was busy in documents, ensuring that they pass the audit.

The situation reminded me of a story that I had read long back. There was a king who ruled over a very small kingdom. In order to spread the kingdom, he began to spend on arms & men, and soon he had a very powerful army. Once he was confident enough, he started attacking the neighboring kingdoms, and added them to his rule. His kingdom spread far beyond he had thought, and thus was very happy. After few years of conquests, his kingdom touched the sea on all sides, and thus he became the lord of all the kingdoms in the land. His army had no more battle to fight. So the soldiers had lots of free time to heal their wounds & spend time with their family.

Few years later, a neighboring king attacked this king to take the revenge. The king called upon his army. When the soldiers were called upon for another war, they readily accepted the challenge. They put on their armour, went in the battle-field. But the moment their eyes fell upon the enemy, their courage left them. They fled from the battle-field, and lost the battle. The enemy took his share of land from the king. Seeing this, the other neighboring kings too attacked & took away some more land. At the end there was same land left with the king that was before he started his campaign.

Why did the king lost to the same enemies whom he had conquered earlier? The reason is the army was not ready. The soldiers relaxed after all the battles were won & did not practice their skills anymore. This their skills were rusted, their body forgot the art of fighting, and their mind had no courage to face the enemy.

Why I correlate this story to the audit in the organization is because we also undergo the same cycle in our office. We have an internal audit schedule in our organization. That is similar to the continuous war . These audits ensure that we update our documents at regular intervals & the entire process is maintained. If the internal audit is delayed by even a few days, people start relaxing. And when the external audit takes place, people panic as they have forgotten which document is where, and which document has to be updated. Finally everybody wastes precious time going through all the documents, and that makes the entire day full of stress & strain for everybody.

There are a lot of lessons to be learned from this. But the one I would like to mention is that we should do right thing at the right time. If we make this a habit and the amount of time saved by this habit is phenomenal.

Is it casual relationship, or is it love?

In love, we are decieved may times. We think that certain person loves us, but he/she actually does not. Or, we may think that we have no more than just a casul relationship with him/her, but actually it is much more than that. Is there any way to know how much we love a person?

I received the following quote from one sister of mine. It is very relevant, & it is a very high probability that we all have experienced this at least once so far in our lives:

And ever has it been, that love knows not its own depth, until the hour of separation.

Just stay away from the person in question. Do not see his face, do not speak to him, even on the phone, throughout the day. And check your feelings in the evening. If you feel sad, you definitely love the person, irrespective of how much you deny it.

We do not need to show-off

Have you ever come across a person who likes to show off his/her status?
Yes.
Did you like him or her?
No.
Would you like to become like her or him?
No.

Above is an imaginary conversation that can take place between you & me. But, if I ask you whether you are a person who likes to show-off, what will be your answer? If you like your friends to know your status, or let us say, what your standard of living is, what do you do? Throw up a lavish party?

One may ask as to what is wrong in doing that. They are our friends after all, and they ought to know how we live. Mitch Albom answers this question:

If you are trying to show-off for people at the top, they will look down at you anyhow. And if you’re trying to show – off for the people at the bottom, they will only envy you. Status will get you nowhere. Only an open heart will allow you to float equally between everyone.